I do backing vocals.
It's me who says, "This vehicle is reversing".

Jason Statham stars in a new movie where he kidnaps young girls for money...
...the McCannic

A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday...
...the wedding was low key.

Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald.
Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

There's two things I don't like about Nick Clegg; his face.

I do all my addition in my head.
It's the thought that counts.

Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie.
I thought, "That's a funny place for a door."

I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.

I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.
And I shouted, "Go Oasis."
Then my sister left.

I was stood at a barberque the other day, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

My wife was shocked when she came home from work last night.
I'd wired the door handle to the mains.

My maths teacher asked me, "Do you understand inequalities?"
I replied, "More or less."

Apparently we are going to have a heat wave this summer, the Department of Health has written some guidelines for staying cool:
Wear aviators,
Smoke,
Get a motorbike,
Learn to fix things by thumping them......

I went to the Library today and asked the Librarian, "Do you have any books on naked children?"
She replied, "No, sorry, our books are all on shelves."

I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.
Then I thought, screw it.

I hate it when I get pins and needles in my feet.
Time to give my crack den a good tidying.

BBC News - "Cuts will hit the poor hardest".
Why? Can't they even afford plasters?

I'll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.
My legs.

I just bet on three horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times, and none of them won.
I blame it on the bookie.

"Let's order some Chinese."
"To do what?"

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night, got away with a broken arm.
Don't know whose, but it's mine now.

I've made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She's a bit clingy.

I recently watched all of the Lord of The Rings films back to back with a friend.
I wasn't the one facing the screen though.

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry sir, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"