Why do they take organs from pigs and give them to humans?
Because pigs can't play organs.

My grandfather is a Cold War veteran
He can't afford to put the heating on.

I walked past some joggers in the park today.
They weren't very fast.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale).

I was taking some notes the other day, when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

Now, for my next trick, I'm going to turn this Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size...
Watch...

Boris Johnson.
Putting the ROFL into Mayor of London.

I'm in a heavy metal band.
I play lead.

I just had a hair cut.
Might get all the other ones cut tomorrow.

I was taking part in a quiz, on the final question I was asked, "For 10,000 name 5 popular idioms."
I said, "Oh dear, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I don't know what an idiom is. I could have a go, but it would just be a stab in the dark. If I was to go for broke and win the ten grand, that would be the icing on the cake, but I think I will cut my losses and take the 5,000 and run."

Against my advice, my daughter has just gone to a bukkake party.
Oh well, on her own head be it.

My football team's undefeated in 30 games this season which were all 4-1 with one 4-4.
I love playing for the Musketeers.

I feel that geographical puns are beneath me; there's Norway I'd go Oslo as that.

My hands are like the Rain , They make you wet!
--------------------------------------------------------
Mine are like onions

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn't pleased.

I arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun..
I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.

Anyone want to buy a pack of Polos? They're in mint condition

I filled my car up with petrol this morning.
Wish I hadn't now, the seats are ruined.

Optimistic : Optimus Prime's psychic brother.

I said, "I've locked my keys in my car and my children are inside."
My neighbour said, "Do you have a spare set?"
I said, "Yeah, I've got two sons with my ex-wife."

My mum hates it when I call my stepfather Bernie.
He's pretty sensitive about the scars, apparently.

I refuse to watch Snakes on a Plane as it's so unrealistic. Everyone knows you have to switch your phone off.

I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding and accidentally started a pilau fight.

I've been watching the golf for hours now and I'm getting rather bored.
But it is brand new, I don't have a garage and I live in a rough area.

I went to see the doctor yesterday.
What seems to be the problem, Edgar? he asked.
Well, I think I suffer from schizophrenia, I said, being Frank.