I hate having to brush my teeth every morning.
I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

Just got myself one of those toasted sandwich makers...
Or a black girlfriend as she calls it.

I filled my tank up with petrol this morning.
Now all the goldfish are dead.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

How could they tell that the bodies under Fred West's patio were women?
Because they had foundation on.

The wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don't enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her.
Then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her.
The last straw was when I went round to my mum's place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me.
Honestly, woman take me for a right mug.

They say being a hostage is difficult...
...But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.

I was chatting to a couple of girls today.
I said, "Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime".
One of the girls said, "Okay, give us two secs."
I said, "No problem, that's exactly what I had in mind."

After feeling a little depressed lately, I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.
I've got 99 problems but an itch ain't one.

It's not hard getting to work in the snow, you just need a bit of grit.

I don't like roller-coasters.
I'd rather my coffee was sat still on the table.

After the N'teenth time of my nan ridiculing me for being a virgin, I lost it with her.

My garden is only 36 inches wide, More like a yard

On holiday, I was approached by two shady looking characters.
They sold me a lovely parasol.

What do pikeys and wheat have in common?
They are both in bread.

I said to my mate, "I think we should feed my wife herbicide."
He said, "weed killer?"
"My point exactly," I replied.

I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend, who he says is from Eastern Europe.
I looked at the picture and said 'she looks nothing like a frog.'
'What are you on about?' He said. 'I told you she's a Tad-Polish.'

Is nothing built in Britain nowadays?
I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said it was 'BUILT IN ANTENNA'.

I'm sick of watching all this rubbish on the news about some killer, I would turn it off but no one can find the dam Raoul Moat.

Katie Price and Amir Khan 'Close'
Alex Reid heard that Khan fingered Katie.
He said to Khan, "Okay, the gloves are off."
Khan said, "No they weren't."

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.
He seemed like a decent feller.

Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

For sale.
Modified DeLorean DMC-12.
No timewasters.