Advice if you're intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself.

I've opened an online dating company especially designed for deaf mutes.
It's called 'The Conversations Ltd.'

17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.
Roll on

I'm having trouble keeping my hands warm with fingerless gloves...
Any tips?

I made breakfast in bed this morning.
I spilt eggs and milk all over the sheets.

I spent today trying to force as many road signs from the ground as I could.
I pulled out all the stops.

Some guy threatened to hunt me down and attack me with a pair of shock absorbers.
He didn't say when though - the suspension's killing me.

I just looked up myself on the Internet.
Now my webcam smells of poo.

My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.
"Make a paper plane," she said.
"It already is," I said.

I've managed to run over 8 muslim women in the last 6 days....
That makes me officially, Leicester's new drive through Burka King.

My opinion on fishmongers? Selfish.

I work in B&Q and this guy came in shouting and swearing about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.
Needless to say, I showed him the door.

Magners Cider makes me feel really good
"There's Methadone in the Magners"

Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare.

I used to keep poking myself in my eyes, but don't worry, I can't see myself doing it again

I'm in dispute with Sky at the minute as they're trying to charge me for my satellite dish.
I'm sure they told me it would be on the house.

I like to tell women that I'm responsible for a large team of web designers.
I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit that's infested by spiders.

I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex drove past and threw a can of paint through my window.
I hate it when women get emulsional.

I just blew a speaker in my car!
That might seem a little extreme, but he really did give an excellent presentation.

It's probably a good thing Charles Xavier didn't use his first initial for his band of mutant misfits.

The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.
I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Went to a seafood party last night.
Pulled a mussel.

I had some time to kill yesterday.
So I went round to the mother-in-law's.

Laughing at jokes about the Holocaust is very low. Much like the Jewish population in the 1940s.

My girlfriend is temperamental.
That's 50% temper and 50% mental.