I've invented a device called a 'base-ball.'
I'm thinking of pitching it on Dragon's Den.

My mate's always boasting how he once had to shuffle 52 packs of cards and then distribute them equally between 4 people.
Big deal.

What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?
A Bluetooth.

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood...

Tom Cruise: taking the art out of being a 'bartender' since 1988

I hated being a careers officer in Africa and having to ask...
"So, what do you want to be IF you grow up?"

"I'm stuck with one word on this crossword, the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly"
"Oh, well that's ridiculous"
"I know, I've been stuck on it for hours"

The Wife bet me fifty pounds that she could sing more football songs than me.
I beat her.
She had no Chants.

I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a "4 x 4 specialist" so I pulled in.
Apparently, the answer's 16.

The headteacher at my school called me in to his office today.
He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"
No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

Little Leroy asks the teacher if he can have Monday off to go to his grandad's funeral. The teacher says fine.
Little Johnny puts his up and asks if he can have Tuesday off to go strawberry picking. The teacher replies that strawberry picking is no excuse for a day off school.
Little Johnny says: 'Why not? He's off black burying!'

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way I had cooked his steak. "Well done" is rare from a medium.

Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is? Apparently there's 1000s of jobs there.

I just found a note that says "Dial-a-Party" and a phone number.
I believe this calls for a celebration.

I was minding my own business when I thought to myself,
"Maybe becoming a self-employed security guard wasn't such a good idea."

I pulled a cracker last Christmas.
There's a joke in there somewhere.

Before we broke up, my last girlfriend screamed at me, "I never want to see you again!"
So I replaced her eye drops with battery acid.

I've never understood decimals - I can't see the point.

My wife has just texted me asking me to 'do her' tonight.
I'm not looking forward to it, I'm useless at impressions.

I was making the bed this morning when I thought to myself, "That's the last time I buy a bed from Ikea."

My wife dyed her hair today.
She said, "What do you think?"
I said, "It suits your look".
She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Your face looks like it's died too".

I'm dating a girl who's done time.
Tomorrow she's doing the alphabet and, the day after, farmyard animals.

Rambling.
Jewellery for sheep.

A man walks into a library and says
"I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under the duvet.
No one will find it now, I've covered my tracks.