I invented a teleporting device.
It's a trolley especially designed fo carring televisions.

My daughter was disappointed when I dropped her to the floor.
I let her down.

Sigh. I wish I wasn't short-sighted.

I'm not saying I'm getting on a bit or anything, but I was around when it was still known as 'El Paso'.

I can't remember the last time my mind went blank.

My mate was playing darts he said,
"go on mate name a number."
"Ok, so 7 can be called greg, and 12 can be a susan."
"Now you name a few" I replied.

Cleaning out the attic, I've just come across the trigger mechanism from a toy ray-gun that was given to me decades ago by the priest at my childhood Sunday school.
That's a bit of a blaster from the pastor.

I hate Rowers.
Always sticking their oar in.

I killed a spider with a book this morning.
It was by David Beckham; I just read him the first paragraph.

Just got overtaken by a McVities lorry...
That takes the biscuit.

I have real trouble remembering the 25th letter of the alphabet.
I dont know why.

I got caught match-fixing last night.
It was either that or run them under the tap and use a lighter.

To save on postage by making your parcel lighter, send it through lamp post.

Oxymoron: A spot cream for Big Brother contestants.

My favourite pick-up line is "Hey baby, I've got a truck."

Last night I saw some band do their performance on ice without falling once.
Think they're called Slipnot or something.

I like to tell people exactly how many volts my stun gun outputs, just for the shock value.

Who invented the isles around Britain?
A Scilly Wight Man?

My wife insulted my religion last week, so I conducted a full Buddhist ritual before sacrificing her to the Gods. I was charged with premeditated murder.

When I read 'Sickidates, meet sick girls near you' I was hoping to get an anorexic bird.

I was recently put in prison for murder, I was really bored but its ok now because I've made bail, Its amazing what you can do with a D.I.Y kit, when behind bars.

Can everyone stop with all the toothpaste jokes, oral-b angry

I like my women how I like my 80's pop groups.
Dead or alive.

A Jamaican guy was telling me at work, "A blood clot killed my wife when she was fifty."
I said, "Oh ahhh, how much did he charge?"

My wife and I have a son who likes lighting fires.
He's arson.