What do you call a group of black people trekking around the north pole?
The Arctic Monkeys.

Protractors.
Not recommended for amateur farmers.

Harry Redknapp should definitely be the New England manager.
If anyone can lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl it would be him.

Sky News: Flood At Mine Traps 28 Chinese Workers.
What were 28 Chinese workers doing at yours in the first place?

I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked pretty surprised.

Once you go black, you probably should have changed the battery on your smoke alarm.

When Jonathan Ross signed up for a Twitter account, he was asked why.
"I just wanted to tweet myself", he said.

A mate in the pub said," I've just realised, your brothers Richard, Harold and Charles are all named after kings."
I said, " Yeah, so! What's your point?"
He said, " Nothing. It's your round Burger."

I'm not worried about the Third World War.
That's the Third World's Problem.

What's long, white, hard and forced into my daughter's mouth every night?
Her toothbrush.

I read in the newspaper: 'Two people killed in separate chain attacks'
They must be linked.

Some black guy broke into my house last night.
Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

Is anyone else tired, or is it just M.E.?

I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone carry on talking while you're trying to interrupt.

I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs.
He was taking ages.

What are long, hard and delicious?
Adjectives.

I called the Samaritans once, saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.
They told me to stay on the line.

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

''Safety first'' is a great phrase because it follows its own advice.

Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban.

10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas.
Now be honest, you didn't expect Everest to be doing THAT today, did you?

I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,
"Maybe it would be better if I put it in."

My mate has invented a new hobby called "blindfold plane watching".
Can't see it taking off.

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local.
All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.