What do you call a group of black people trekking around the north pole?
The Arctic Monkeys.

Protractors.
Not recommended for amateur farmers.

Harry Redknapp should definitely be the New England manager.
If anyone can lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl it would be him.

Sky News: Flood At Mine Traps 28 Chinese Workers.
What were 28 Chinese workers doing at yours in the first place?

I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked pretty surprised.

I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,
"Maybe it would be better if I put it in."

My mate has invented a new hobby called "blindfold plane watching".
Can't see it taking off.

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local.
All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

I've spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting "Heal!" at my dog.
If it doesn't work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.

I really hate people who express their views over the internet.

What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?
A dandy lion.

I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back.
Now that's just virgin' on the ridiculous.

My wife left because she thinks I have an obsession with electricity.
I was like, "Watt, I'm shocked.... it hertz me when you say stuff like that. Currently I've not been myself I admit, but it would help if you had some positive input in my life instead of being negative. But none of that matters any more, I'm going ohm."

People used to tell me being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.
Who's laughing now?

Clones are people two.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"
I said, "Go on then."
Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

The internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits.

Once you go black, you probably should have changed the battery on your smoke alarm.

When Jonathan Ross signed up for a Twitter account, he was asked why.
"I just wanted to tweet myself", he said.

A mate in the pub said," I've just realised, your brothers Richard, Harold and Charles are all named after kings."
I said, " Yeah, so! What's your point?"
He said, " Nothing. It's your round Burger."

I'm not worried about the Third World War.
That's the Third World's Problem.

What's long, white, hard and forced into my daughter's mouth every night?
Her toothbrush.

I read in the newspaper: 'Two people killed in separate chain attacks'
They must be linked.

Some black guy broke into my house last night.
Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.