I've spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting "Heal!" at my dog.
If it doesn't work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.

I really hate people who express their views over the internet.

What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?
A dandy lion.

I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back.
Now that's just virgin' on the ridiculous.

My wife left because she thinks I have an obsession with electricity.
I was like, "Watt, I'm shocked.... it hertz me when you say stuff like that. Currently I've not been myself I admit, but it would help if you had some positive input in my life instead of being negative. But none of that matters any more, I'm going ohm."

People used to tell me being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.
Who's laughing now?

Clones are people two.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"
I said, "Go on then."
Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

The internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits.

My mate said to me about if you change the G and N around in ginger, we did laugh.
God knows what a gigner is though, but I didn't want to seem stupid.

I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead.
I did. They looked okay.

My friend said he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.
Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.

BBC News: Plans for reading tests at six.
It's a bit short notice, I usually have my tea then.

Ever since I filled up my Zippo I haven't been able to lift it out of my pocket.
I think I need some lighter fluid.

Tattoos are great for preserving memories, otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand......
E - I - E - I - O.....

There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count.

I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.
I'm viewing a live stream right now.

Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin.

I was hanging with a couple of friends this morning when I thought,
These suicide pacts aren't for me.

If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

I'll leave you with a word of warning. Beware.

BBC news: Woman injured in Hammer Attack
Stop...

Have you ever had an accident at work?
Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

I walked into a shop and said, "Ten Lambert please, mate."
The cashier said, "It's not mate. My name is on my badge."
So I replied, "Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA."