Is anyone else tired, or is it just M.E.?

I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone carry on talking while you're trying to interrupt.

I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs.
He was taking ages.

What are long, hard and delicious?
Adjectives.

I called the Samaritans once, saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.
They told me to stay on the line.

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

''Safety first'' is a great phrase because it follows its own advice.

Inner city Sikhs.
Putting the urban into turban.

10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas.
Now be honest, you didn't expect Everest to be doing THAT today, did you?

My mate said to me about if you change the G and N around in ginger, we did laugh.
God knows what a gigner is though, but I didn't want to seem stupid.

I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead.
I did. They looked okay.

My friend said he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.
Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.

BBC News: Plans for reading tests at six.
It's a bit short notice, I usually have my tea then.

Ever since I filled up my Zippo I haven't been able to lift it out of my pocket.
I think I need some lighter fluid.

Tattoos are great for preserving memories, otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand......
E - I - E - I - O.....

There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count.

I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.
I'm viewing a live stream right now.

Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin.

I was hanging with a couple of friends this morning when I thought,
These suicide pacts aren't for me.

If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

I'll leave you with a word of warning. Beware.

BBC news: Woman injured in Hammer Attack
Stop...

Have you ever had an accident at work?
Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

I walked into a shop and said, "Ten Lambert please, mate."
The cashier said, "It's not mate. My name is on my badge."
So I replied, "Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA."