I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday?
She said, "I've bought you an Apple Mac."
Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I'm not 'cause...
My name is Mac.

Just been in court and the judge told me "you will be jailed for twenty years for the henious crime you have committed on a poor defenceless old woman who had no right to be treated in such a manner as you did in the middle of the night whilst she was sleeping alone in her bed".
"Thats a long sentence" I thought.

BREAKING NEWS IN THE CABINET RESHUFFLE
My Xbox 360 games have been moved to the bottom drawer.

Two pencils decided to have a race.
They drew.

I walked into the hairdressers today.
The guy said, "Can I help you sir?"
I said, "I'm after a short cut".
Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.
"Why?" I asked
"Arrogant people like you!" she screamed back.
I said "Yeah they do, don't they?"

I used my burger van to ram raid a casino last night.
There were chips everywhere.

I'm a man stuck in a woman's body.
Rigor Mortis set in earlier than I expected.

My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.
I've only got Ash now.

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.
Laughing at my ex-pence.

Someones just tried to sell me a wristband "for the victims of the tsunami."
Wouldn't they be better off with armbands?

My father brought me up single-handedly.
It's not easy being the son of a pirate.

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?

I see Boomerangs are making a comeback.

I heard about that woman's body that was found after she had been missing for several days...
At least the family now know where she's wheelie bin.

After my mother-in-law was murdered by a gang of youths, my wife said she wanted to go and see the killers...
As luck would have it, I managed to get a couple of cheap tickets off the internet.

I don't mind Black kids,
I'm a very choosy babysitter..

I've bought two 100m tickets for the 2012 Olympics.
You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in.

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran.
She's an animal in bed.

My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground.
I couldn't see the point.

My Jamaican mate walked in on me doing a crossword.
I said, "You have to help me. I need a ten letter word meaning Great in ambition and scope. I've been trying to do this for two weeks."
He said, "Monumental."
I said, "No, I'm not, I'm just stuck on this one word."

I'm the kinda guy that when asked to spell something over the phone I say 'G....for gnome' just to throw them

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.
It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

I'm really worried as there's been an explosion in Peshawar.
I hope my naan's alright.