My favourite pick up line...
'Pick that up'

My three unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3.

What is hard and six inches long?
My pen is.

I lost my watch earlier.
I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.

BBC News : 'Mystery over flat victim's death'
No mystery... Probably a steam-roller.

The 62nd Emmy Awards
I think the decision to cut the running time down to a minute was a good one

I start a new job in Seoul next week,
I thought it was a good Korea move..

I have a butler with a missing left arm.
Serves 'em right.

If I had a pound for every time someone told me that I don't understand common sayings then I would have quite a few stone.

I used to feed gorillas at Chester Zoo from a distance using a golf club.
I'd drive them bananas.

Like Madonna I'm trying to adopt a spaz and an African kid.
One Down, one Togo.

My girlfriend criticised my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called "101 ways to improve your confidence".
I couldn't buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

I've gone off them a bit now but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.

All black people should be killed by firing squad at birth ..
Sorry, I meant racists.
All black people should be killed by racists at birth.

If a cop comes up to me and says "papers", do I win if I say "scissors"?

Some terms are really misleading.
I went into the changing room several times.
It was still the same.

Harper Seven is a pretty cool name, but if the Beckhams had just used an anagram of it instead, it would be even sharper.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.
I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.

I saw some tightrope walkers the other day.
What a weird flavour for a packet of crisps.

Instead of giving me a handjob, my girlfriend tried using her keyring...
I felt like I was being fobbed off.

Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I was touched by my Granddad when I was a little boy.
His tear jerking tales of world war two were simply heartbreaking.

I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.