I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.
It was pretty standard, but I got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said, "I?m sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I am."

I kept seeing a vegetable stall every day in the same place on my way to work this week.
The disabled really shouldn't be allowed to drive.

So "Fe" is the elemental symbol for Iron and consists of the first two letters of the word "Female"?
Now I understand why "Cu" is the elemental symbol for Copper.

I saw a sign in a shop- 'Mosquito nets 10'
I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery

A bartender drowned in a tidal wave of tonic water after a case exploded, he was schwepped away.

Who's this slag 'Ladesh' I keep hearing about?
Because everyone seems to bang her.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.

I used to be a heroin addict until I started cutting my gear with washing powder.
Ive been clean ever since.

I've spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.....
But no one will do it.

Dying cats pink, what's next?
A Navy Seal?

Time travel is going to have been confusing.

Finally managed a slam-dunk today. Tea everywhere.

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

I went for an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds.
14 showed up, It was overcast.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met.

Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said, "Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife."
Don't photographers have a dark sense of humour?

Graham Norton's house burned down last night.
It was a camp fire.

What's big, grey and doesn't matter?
An Irr-elephant.

Me and another guy have been fighting for a woman's affection for a while, and I finally mustered the courage to propose, with a huge inflatable sign saying "Will you marry me?"
Unfortunately, my rival managed to pop the question first.

"UN-Staffed office bombed"
Just as well there was no-one there then.

I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."
Well, that's a sign of things to come.

I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I'm a firm believer there's safety in numbers

My mate Daniel wouldn't believe me when I told him that his name was an anagram.
He's in denial.

There's a fine line between hyphenated words...