My bird thinks she's a famous Thespian, because her minge is always being used in gynaecology training videos.
I think she's ovary acting.

I've just built a working catapult.
It's disguised as a chair, so it tends to throw a lot of people.

'100% Yes!' '1000% Yes!!' '1,000,000% Yes!!!'
I wish the X Factor judges would stop trying to top each other...
and just top themselves.

I bought a CD which was just the sound of water flowing.
I didn't like it though, it was too main-stream.

It's cruel that people make fun of the way Stephen Hawking talks.
I use one of those voice boxes myself and can synthesize with him.

My next song is about subtraction.
Take it away...

A contestant accused me of being an unfair gameshow host.
Point taken.

A lot of people are getting overexcited about today being 09-09-09, and I hear just about every club in the country's having an "emergency services" party tonight.
Personally I'm waiting for 12-12-12, when I plan to spend all day carrying a microphone with me and doing a sound check wherever I go.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

I was in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be clever.
After hours of awkward silence, she asked, "What's the matter?"
I replied, "It is the basic structural component of the universe."

My wife made the allegation
"I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

In a bizarre publicity stunt, David Walliams and Matt Lucas have kidnapped the Who Wants to be a Millionaire presenter...
Little Britains Got Tarrant

Don't worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

BBC headline "McDonald's loses hamburger case"
Surely it would make more sense to carry hamburgers in a paper bag.

Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday...
They're due to be sentenced next week.

The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me, "You can't park here. It's badge holders only."
I replied, "But I have got a bad shoulder."

Just had an African come up and try to get me to sign a charity sheet - when I said no he started to cry...
...what an emotional black male.

I saw this bloke, coughing and wheezing.
Turns out he was a member of Team Rocket.

"Nigerian President Dies After Long Illness"
This is definitely a bad week in politics if you're Brown.

My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it.

The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power.
I think they should stop over-reacting.

I'm extremely proud of my essay about the wind.
But it's only a draft.

My girlfriend was disappointed when I bought her New York flights for her birthday.
But not as disappointed as I was when I found out she didn't even play darts.

I love playing chess at the park with old men.
The hard part is finding 32 of them.