It's hard to say how much I love my family.
That's throat cancer for you.

The other day a mate of mine hit me with a chocolate bar.
How dairy.

A guy was arrested for groping a hotel receptionist. In court, his defence was: "When I arrived there, I drove through a gate marked ENTER, walked through a door saying PUSH, came to a desk with a bell that said PRESS and met a woman wearing a badge that said PAT."

I went house hunting at the weekend. I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.
I thought, "I can see myself living here."

I have no beef with vegetarians.

My oldest approached me today and told me he was feeling suicidal.
I said, "Hang in there, son," and pointed to the spare room.

If you cut a glow-worm's tail off, would it be delighted?

I told my Chinese mate that I bought very cheap cigarettes that were shipped in from a foreign country.
He said, "Is that Regal?"

I've bought a device that makes my wife come every time.
It's a retractable lead.

At any time, the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a completely shaven black person?
A smooth criminal.

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.
She's very tidy downstairs though.

HMV to close sixty stores.
Is this the Vinyl Countdown?

I took a girl home from a club last night. As soon as we got inside the front door she was all over me like a rash, kissing me all over and rubbing her hands over my body. Leaning her mouth to my ear I could feel her hot breath as she whispered, "Time to show me how hard you really are."
Quick as a flash I punched her to the ground and kicked her teeth out.

I've got a fear of two-letter words.
I get scared just thinking about it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.
Because I have Osteoporosis.

I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said, "Store in a cool place."
So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson's house.

I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night.
So I did a 180 and left.

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.
It's on its last legs now.

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
or is it just one of Granny's myths?

9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas.
I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same since.

Anyone who's ever experienced Tesco should know that their famous slogan "Every little helps" is much more appropriate when you remove the first and last letters...

John works for the AA.
His wife's just left him.
He got mugged on the way back from the pub.
His house has just been burgled.
He's heading for a breakdown.

I for one...
...but that's Roman numerals for you.