I used to be a necrophiliac, but gave it up when it got boring.
I'd done it to death.

Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.

I have moved all the time pieces in my house to different locations.
Later, I must remember to put the clocks back.

When my wife said 'I think we should call it a day', I didn't realise she was serious about naming my son that.

According to the BBC, the average withdrawal from a UK cashpoint is 67.
Sounds mean to me.

I've just employed a single mother with dwarfism.
Started her off on minimum wage.

I just made an explosive mixture at work
I was quite literally blinded by science

Last week I went to my mate's optometrist for new lenses because apparently they're the best.
To be honest,I've seen better.

Last week I went to my mate's optometrist for new lenses because apparently they're the best.
To be honest,I've seen better.

I always buy my fish from Selfridges.
There's no plaice like it

On our beach, the swimming limit has gone out to sea another mile.
This should separate the men from the buoys.

I've just sold my sole to the devil.
Ruined a good pair of trainers.

I was shopping online on my lunch break at work the other day.
I went to Ikea's website, and ordered the 'Lack' furniture series.
When I got home, my house had been burgled.

I used to know a chef that was always over dramatic when preparing food.
He made a meal of it.

I went to a West End show with my family last week. The underground is so crowded in London, you have to jump out when you can. My dad and brother squeezed out first, then I saw an opportunity, so I got off with my Mum. People looked at us a bit strangely, but we just have that kind of relationship

BBC NEWS: Afghan civilians killed by British drone
Since when did Stephen Fry join the army?

My girlfriend was putting me down saying that no woman would ever look at me and get wet. So I booked my band a gig at Glastonbury

BBC news: Austria mourns the empire's Otto von Habsburg, last heir.
All of our royal family are losing theirs we don't moan about it.

"Goodbye Cruel World" I said as I booked virgin galactic

Worst piece of advice about life Amy Winehouse ever received:
You just need to get back on the horse.

I just bought a new pair of trainers to help me when I start jogging.
Hopefully they'll give me the motivational support and advice I need.

I don't think I'm going to be able to pay for this IV therapy.
I might have to get it on the drip.

I had a threesome with two eastern europian girls yesterday,
It made me feel like a professional ski-er
Going in and out of poles

I had to tell my wife i ran over next doors cat earlier and felt guilty as they were having dinner with us.
''What if they find out?'' she asked.
''They wont im sure of it''
''how are you certain?''
'The proof is in the pudding''

I shot a couple of American tourist earlier by hiding in a giant dessert.
I put the rifle in the trifle.