2 Birds, 1 Stone.
Literally, I'm in court on the 25th.

I was taught a very valuable lesson today.
Prospecting.

I said to my mate yesterday, "Oi Dave, what's that game where you have a machine that dispenses loads of different coloured cards, and you miss a turn and have to pick up more cards and that?"
"Uno?" he said.
"No," I said, "That's why I'm asking you."

I said to my mate yesterday, "Oi Dave, what's that game where you have a machine that dispenses loads of different coloured cards, and you miss a turn and have to pick up more cards and that?"
"Uno?" he said.
"No," I said, "That's why I'm asking you."

We have just settled an ongoing dispute with our neighbour an agreed to make our garden paving stones parallel to each other.
Our paths have never crossed since.

I was out in the speedboat with the wife when she started screaming, "You're going too fast, you're like a maniac, we're going to end up dead."
I think she's going overboard.

The parents of the school boy that was mauled to death in norway
have just released a statement to the norwegien government they
said "We know it was wrong and it should never have happened but
we are not going to bear a grudge"

What do you call a restaurant manager from Leeds?
Ed Chef

There's been a fire in my local haberdashery.
Damage was only fabric.

I had a discussion with my missus the other night about what my brain looks like.
I cant get it out of my head.

Someone just threw a bag cocaine in my face
It really cracked me up

I was on the train the other day and a bloke came up to me and yelled Seven Billion Nine Hundred Million Eight Hundred and Fifty Seven Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy One.
I thought "that's odd"

Oxymorons? They're old news

I've just been down to the library to check out the books and they only had fantasies, comedies, biographies and mysteries.
Oh well... no drama.

"Hey, do you like my new frisbee?"
"Yeah it's awesome!"
"Wanna take it out for a spin?"

Evian have confirmed the signing of Denmark midfielder Christian Poulsen from Liverpool. A source close to the club, a Mr Walters said it was hard work to keep the deal from filtering out although we did try to sign him in the spring..

My Henry the Eighth theatre production has been slated in the press, due to the poor acting standards of many of his wives.
Heads are going to roll...

I'm coming down with the flu.
By the time I've reached the ground floor everyone else in the lift will probably be infected.

"Wow, this is the 5th time I've spotted you around today!"
"..."
"Well, are you going to say something? I thought you were usually a bit more chatty..."
"Not at all, I thought I told you I was stalkative."

JOB ADVERT : Marksman required who is skilled and trained in precision weapons in particular sniper rifles. Immediate start.
Salary 150k On Target Earnings

''Muslims wearing Carlsberg T-shirt's"
If Carslberg did irony, it would be the best irony in the world'

People with OCD are not very good at strip poker. They mostly fold.

Two owls are sitting in a tree.
The first one announces "I'm getting married!"
To which the second replies "You twit, to who?!"

I just bought some laughing cow.
The women's asylum were auctioning off their patients.

I took up most of the reception in this really posh salon today with my 1/12th scale Sherman tank..........
Well the sign in the window did say 'Models required'