So every cloud has a silver lining?
Pff, tell that to the people Hiroshima.

Kuwaiti police investigating a deadly blaze at a wedding tent that killed 43 women and children say the ex-wife of the groom has confessed to starting it.
They have charged her with arson within tent.

I've just seen a group on Facebook called, 'I hate feet'.
Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine.
He's fine now.

My mate asked me the other day if I fancied playing with some dirty old slag round the back of the steel mill.
Very disappointing.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

What's the difference between a circus act and some lap dancers?
One's a cunning array of stunts...

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."

Do you know how annoying it is when people answer their own questions? Very.

My mum just texted me saying 'call me ASAP'
I think I'll stick to calling her 'Mum'.

I went to Boots and said, "Can I have a bottle of shampoo please."
The woman said, "Extra volume?"
I said, "CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!"

Everything is easier said than done.
Except for talking, that's about the same.

I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland.
He replied, "It's twenty clicks away, mate."
Things must be bad if they've started speaking dolphin.

I won 10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.
"Well, I'm going to book a holiday for one."
"Oh goody" she screamed excitedly, "I can't wait!"
Can't help thinking she's misunderstood what I said.

I'm an indonesian five-year-old and I made your PC.

I tied the knot with a beautiful young woman yesterday.
Pity I'm an executioner.

I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today and it said:
"Pineapples: five cubed."
I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.

I love it when celebrities act like their name suggests, such as Lady Gaga or Princess Di.

When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone. I was always on the receiving end.....

"007, listen carefully, I have some fantastic Hi-Tech trainers for you."
"OK, what do they do?"
"Erm nothing, but they were cheap."

I used to be quite good at wordplay.
Once a pun a time.

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
"What are you going to do now?" asks the angel.
"Call it a day," says God.

Incest.
Putting the relation into relationship.

Blunt knives are pointless.

So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.