I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, "What have you got there?"
I replied, "Hummus."

Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."

I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.
I thought, "If anything, you're just making it worse."

I don't understand why anyone would set their washing machine at 40 degrees.
Surely it would look neater in line with all the other kitchen units.

Iron man.
What a Fe male.

I shot my paper boy this morning, I left his body slumped over his bag.
His death was all over the news.

I'm very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

What's pink and sounds terrible?
Pink.

I came downstairs this morning to see that my curtains were drawn.
All the furniture was real though.

I saw a sign in a car park saying, "Thieves want your sat nav!"
I thought, "Well they can get lost."

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.
I couldn't find the words to thank them.

An American army camp in Iraq has a homemade sign out side, it reads: -
"Second To None"
British troops too have a sign: -
"None"

Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner?
I Know Iams.

So, Kim Jong il has died.
For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.

It is said that brushing your teeth with the opposite hand stimulates brain activity in the morning.
I tried it and stabbed myself in the back of the throat. Yes, I'm wide awake now.

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
No more mist and ice guy.

I saw a flying saucer this morning.
It flew right out of my hand and hit the wife in the head.

My television screen has gone black.
Needless to say, it doesn't work.

News from a week on the stock market.
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

Nostalgia.
It's not what it used to be.

My mate just burst into my room while I was busy working and asked me what an electrical synapse in the human body was.
The nerve.

What's a riot?
Three dyslexics.

I got fined by the council today for letting my dog foul in the park.
He ran up and tackled a poodle from behind.

My girlfriend said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I said,"FEWER ARGUMENTS".