Why did I divide sin by tan?
Just cos.

I was only young when I learned to count.
It was odd at first, even then.

I'm sick and tired of radical Muslims getting all the attention in the media.
What about all the awesome Buddhists, gnarly Hindus and most excellent Jews?

When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor
But that's another storey.

I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.
I'd better lilo.

Ramadan.
Putting the slim back into Muslim.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Finding a vein in your sausage.

People who are opposed to bringing back capital punishment, often argue that the death penalty has no effect on re-offending rates.
I couldn't agree more. I've lost count of the number of times I've been mugged by a corpse.

I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.
I said they all look the same to me.

You invented Tipp-Ex didn't you?
Correct me If I'm wrong....

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.
I won.

I make 1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.
I invented Norton Anti-virus.

My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second.
I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. ...

Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction: 12 injured, 4 pasta way.

People call me Mr Compromise.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier.
She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.
I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.

My Wife said she wanted Chanel No. 5 for her Birthday.
She's going to be made up, all I had to do was re-tune the freeview box.

Who would have thought... Tiger's a Cheetah.

Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.