How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran.

A Muslim walks into a pub and the barman says, "Why the wrong place?"

I just saw an advert for the new film: 'The Hole - Now in 3D!'
Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it's just a circle.

I'm planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've got twelve fridges.

I smacked a Paki on the head with a hammer yesterday at 12:00.
Bang on the dot.

Spelling is important, look! The difference between won and one:
Great Britain have just won gold.
Australia have just one gold.

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

To be frank, would involve changing my name

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van.
But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.

I put a couple of 't's in my beer last night.
I think it made it better.

At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...

I thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans.
Or at least sew its seams.

I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow.
I can't wait.

The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.

I lost my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about this.

I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice,
They're lying.

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid...
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99

I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.
It must have been the weakest Lynx.

My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.
I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.