My girlfriend said, "Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?"
I said, "Yeah, definitely. Let's call your mum and tell her you've died."

I went bob-sleighing last week.
I managed to kill Bob Geldof and Bob Hoskins.

I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.
They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.
I knew there and then, she was the one.

CNN News "Tree Falls On Bank"
Does anyone know what branch?

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for 1000.
I thought that's a bit steep.

'Wolfgang Mozart!' said Mozart's friend
'What?' said Mozart
And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.

I went to a really posh school.
In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

BBC News : 'Missing eight-year-old found safe.'
But she couldn't crack it.

I was lying in bed and I thought, "I've gotta start telling the truth."

My dad never loved me as a child.
I can't blame him really.
I wasn't born until he was an adult.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.
I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

Procrastinators unite!... tomorrow.

BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack.
After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d'olive.

I have a friend who's half Indian.
Ian.

My uncle always boasts that he can pleasure himself for hours and hours.
I wish he wouldn't rub it in my face.

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said "We don't sell those, I'm afraid."
Stupid cow. They're not that scary.

I hate street performers.
Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.
I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.
And all this time I've been eating them raw.

My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.
I've had it right up to here with them.

Why are some of the jokes on here so bad timing?