I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:
"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"
To which I replied:
"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

Is it just me......
or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

Mosquito net: 12
Fresh water supply: 500
A starving African child: Riceless

I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

I just drank some wkd with ice in it.
It was wicked.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.
Then it dawned on me.

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.
His condition is described as stable.

I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert.
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.

My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We haven't done a gig yet.

I heard one of the best jokes I've ever heard in my life yesterday!
It was about an anti-climax.

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.

My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".
Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.
I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said, "Whatever means necessary."
"No it doesn't," I said.

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself.
No 'fence.
Nun taken.

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region.
Much like my wife.

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

Tea is for mugs.

A G N B:
That's bang out of order.