I'm sick of the half-hearted effort my son puts into everything he does.
And his excuse of being born without a left ventricle or left atrium.

My Grandad was talking about getting a hip replacement for my Grandma.
"Someone younger and trendier," he said, "Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis."

I told a policeman he had a screw loose.
It was off the cuff.

After his defeat to Nadal in the Quarter Finals, Mardy Fish's coach has released a statement "Fish was gutted not to be in the semi's"

This secret desire I have to be a cannibal is really eating away at me inside.

What a great start to the day! I picked up a Penny in the park this morning.
At least that's what I am calling her until I find a buyer.

OAP'S in an NHS ward in Cardiff were given tambourines and maracas to use as panic alarms .
It's believed hospital bosses could now face serious re-percussion

So I was following this little boy Jack on the streets this afternoon, and I saw him buy a small pack of beans.
Yes, I've beanstalking him.

I just installed one of those 'Clappers' to my living room lights, was showing them off to a couple of my musician friends last night, they loved taking it in turns...
John clapped off and Eric Clapton

I spent this afternoon shooting asians and blacks from a roof top.
What can I say?,I aim too please.

At the moment, I'm working at the clock disposal...
But to be honest, it's a waste of time.

The manager of our local Nando's restaurant died.
He will be missed Peri-Peri much.

My wife made dessert but forgot to put any Gooseberries in.
Fool.

A cattle grid walks into a pub.
Barman says, "Get out. You're barred".

I saw a previous girlfriend of mine yesterday. It was ex-sighting.

Sky news -
'Mother 'Told Police She Had Killed Children'
Not really mother any more then is she...

There was this aggressive guy at the gym earlier
He was throwing his weight around.

I was in the car with Slash, Tommy Stinson, Dizzy Reed and Chris Pitman when all of a sudden the car crashed.
The police said the accident was to do with the front, right tyre. We were missing an Axel.

I just raised my arm,
But the rest of the poker players wanted money.

I went to a Thai restaurant the other night and ordered chick sticks.
So imagine my surprise when the waitress came back with food!

I've had to resort to printing my newspaper on wood. Times are hard.

I asked two girls in the park if they knew another word for the womb and they said, "Yeh, Uterus!"
"And that your honour is consent in my book."

I used to work as a mathematical lumberjack.
My timing was out though - I used the wrong logarithm.

What I don't know about gardening isn't worth growing.

I dumped my girlfriend at a calculus convention. She said 'y, x-plane.'