I was thinking about going to a procrastination convention a few days ago.
Unfortunately I never got around to it.

I was out on a drive with the wife today.
After a few slaps, she got the hang of block paving.

I just experienced a wardrobe malfunction.
Couldn't get into Narnia.

On my last week as an environmental health officer I shut down seventeen restaurants.
I needed some closure.

Audi are releasing a new car specifically for the American market.
It's called the "Audi Doody".

I was riding a 5 year old bareback yesterday. She's a lovely horse.
Shame she's allergic to latex.

Psychics
You know who I really hate?

Mr Mack knocked at my door and said, "Here's the asphalt you wanted mate."
I said, "Ta, Mack."

A German man is driving down the moterway and gets pulled over by the police. The policeman says "Could i take a look in zhe boot?"
The man opens the boot and there is a huge piece of meat laying there.. "Vhat is zhis meat in your boot vor?"
The man replies "Zhat is my spare Veal"

There has been a place built where all the drastically-overweight people can live together, in harmony and tranquility, with friendship and love, free from the violence and abuse that comes their way because of their physical condition.
It's sensitively called "A peace city".

I saw this dude hanging from one of the hands on the clock tower earlier.
I shouted up at him "Hang on a minute, i'll go get help!"

My wife has just popped down the chip shop.
I think it was her seventh kebab that proved fatal.

I've just been in a fight involving nunchucks, it was awful.
Sister Mary landed right on top of me.

I wrote a letter to the Queen saying that I wanted to write a comedy play about her life,
I got one back saying that she was not a muse.

I would tell you why my new book has 5000 chapters but it's a long story.

I'm fed up with all the ethnic minorities near my house in east London so I decided to get on the central line and head to White City. When I got off what I saw made me feel disappointed, disgusted and lied to.
It's not a city at all.

I've just been to the gymnasium.
It wasn't a shop specialising in noses run by a chap called Jim after all.

I was at a party last night. Me and my friend could see people queuing, My friend asked me "Go to the front of that line and see if that's the queue for the punch"
Turns out it was, I have 2 black eyes and a broken jaw.......

I helped a mentally ill guy today with some directions to the local psychiatric hospital.
I think he was an asylum seeker.

Eating veal can be dangerous.
As I took a bite, I tore a calf muscle.

Making good orange juice requires great concentration.

People who seek sympathy make me want to cry.

My wife went mad when she caught me in bed with Zero our African neighbour.
I don't know what all of the fuss is about, she means nothing to me.

I left my job as manager of the local one legged football team, I could never get the right balance to the side.

I left my job as manager of the local one legged football team, I could never get the right balance to the side.