I racked my brains for a bit,
they looked much more organised.

As a plastic surgeon, I always apply collagen using a screwdriver.
It's a Phillips.

I'm tired of my co-workers making cutting remarks, such as
"Doctor, make an incision".

I was in a horse race and just as got to the finishing line someone threw an apple seed at me...
Pipped at the post

Show me on this paradigm where the meaning escaped you.

On closer inspection I've realised that my new Eskimo girlfriend is a dog.
Even her voice is husky.

I have started a newspaper solely based around ice cream,
I've just had my first scoop.

Being a lazy artist, I don't always blend in.

I spread my mums ashes this afternoon.
I think she'd be blown away.

Although Oxford professors can be distinguished, I find it hard to tell them apart.

Upon turning 40, my wife said, 'I don't mind birthdays, but I can only stand them once a year.'
I thought to myself - that level of tolerance is ideal

I entered the London Marathon last year but turned up the day after it took place. I was running late.

The wife's upset 'cos I threw some potatoes and a tin of beans at her.
I think she's making a meal of it.

I really should write down all the things I have to do.
Can't be bothered to find a pen and paper.
I feel so listless.

A contestant accused me of being a really stingy gameshow host.
No prizes for guessing what I said.

Because of the recession I'm now working shifts in a novelty chess set factory. On my line we use chemicals to make the hair curly.
I'm on permanent knights.

Because of the recession I'm now working shifts in a novelty chess set factory. On my line we use chemicals to make the hair curly.
I'm on permanent knights.

I don't think my members were too happy with the rules at my 'Addicted to Fire Club'.
Everyone was fuming.

Every year, until the age of 10, Michael Jackson would personally deliver me a birthday present.
It was very touching.

I'm starting to wish I'd ordered my blow up doll with more than just a mouth orifice.
She's completely infellatable.

My wife found out about my Aussie and Polish mistresses.
She got the info from the minister of foreign affairs.

I was reading a Shakespeare play yesterday. Not a lot happened, and it was actually quite boring.
To be honest, it was Much Ado About Nothing.

Went to see a show at the West End last week, it was Wicked.

I've decided to donate half of my monthly wages to the National Animal Welfare Trust. NAWT.

I've just read my local newspaper. It had stories about snails, slugs and tortoises.
Must be a slow news day.