I've just come home after watching a football match for ballerinas.
It finished 2-2.

I always like to wake my girlfriend up in the morning with a coffee...
Most people prefer a bucket of cold water, but I like to get my message across.

A man walks into the doctors alone and says.
"Doctors, doctors, you've all got to help us. We are feeling very odd todays, we can't help multiplying everything we says. What is wrong with us doctors?"
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the doctor. "You've got Pleurisy."

I watched man on fire today.
In retrospect I should have called the fire brigade.

I'm a Keane percussionist.
They've just sacked their drummer.

I listen to my wife making up the most unbelievable stories at 4 in the morning.
I don't wake her up though, I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.

Our local school had a "Fun Day" today. They learned about irony.

Ordered a chicken pie at the pub today and found a wooden stick and a young child's patella in my food.
My wife thinks I should have complained, but I didn't really mind. I quite like stake and kid knee pies.

In this time of austerity and recession I have decided to produce my tightrope act on a shoestring.

A woman came round to the flat today to buy my vibrator.
I buzzed her in.

Just ate a whole box of wafer thin ham slices...
Man, I feel like a pig.

They say its bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the morning of the wedding day.
I said to my wife ''Thats weird, I dont remember seeing you in the morning''

Me? Save for a rainy day?
Noah way.

I live by the writings of the wise philosopher Heinze.
It gives you a higher sense of bean.

My mate keeps boasting that he can ride his bike in reverse.
When I asked him to prove it, he started back-pedalling.

My wife asked me to get her a couple of bits whilst I was out today...
...she was really pleased when I came back with a whole byte.

My little niece is coming round to stay next weekend and I've just remembered her fondness for white chocolate.
The milkybars are on me.

I'm trying to prove to my family I don't need a sat nav.
I've got a plan.

I was jailed for a year in Iran, just for smoking a spliff.
How was I to know? I was told they were stoners.

Some guy just hit me over the head with a device for limiting sound waves.
I was baffled.

Some guy just hit me over the head with a device for limiting sound waves.
I was baffled.

BBC News - Bangladesh to exhume lashed girl
I never knew they had a binge drinking problem in the muslim world too

I had to identify my brothers body after he ate a jigsaw puzzle and choked to death.
He looked so piece full.

My grandma spends most of the time listening to her new wireless.
She hasn't yet got the hang of the Internet.

In the Middle East Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters.
The Shiites are hitting their fans