I made an expensive mistake when I forgot to take the little note out of my cookie at the Chinese.
I spent a fortune.

What do you call a girl with loads of nicknames?
Moniker

"Mr. Bond, I have a preposition for you."
"Let's hear it then."
"With."

My wife has been missing for three years.
She is officially off penalty taking duty.

i was carrying my stepladder the other day.
my mate asked me 'is that your ladder?'
i replied furiously 'NO! ITS MY STEPLADDER!'
some people just don't understand..

I went into Starbucks the other day for a drink.
I said "Can I have a black coffee but I'd like a little room for milk, please?"
She said "Well we don't have an entire room for it, but you're welcome to buy the fridge."

I've just got a job working for a well known computer firm, trying and testing all their console games. I must admit the interview process was difficult on so many levels.

I will never forget my Dad's Final words.
He said, "And the winner is .."

They're calling the leader of the bid in Qatar:
Qatar hero

For those of us who use Notepad to formulate our jokes, don't you find that Wordwrap can change the whole meaning?
For example:
There I was, banging my wife
's head against the floor.

I always look over my shoulder where ever I go.
In hindsight,it's probably a good thing.

I've decided to give beekeeping a try.
Just for the buzz.

I was shocked the other day when one of the Monty python crew grabbed me in the street and said if he saw me in his part of town again he'd kill me.
I'm not worried though, I think it was an Idle threat

I was at my local tennis club with my wife yesterday watching two men playing.
One of them served and the ball hit the other guy right in the nuts.
I thought to myself "I'm gonna turn that into a really good gag!"
But the ball wouldn't fit in her mouth.

When I was a child, we were very poor, so I never had any toys to play with. In fact all I had to play with was a transistor...
Well, my brother in my mum's clothes.

A pretty lady complimented me on my extremely large package this morning.
It sounds so much better before you know I work for Parcelforce.

I've got Ravi Shankar coming over tomorrow but now he says he's bringing his kid and do I "have anything they can play a duet on"?
I've got him sorted but there's no way I'm going to find a baby sitar on Christmas eve.

BBC news: Murder victim 'was model athlete'
Well if their not real how can it be murder?

My friend said the other day it's weird how Domino's are now promoting sandwiches, which prompted me to ask:
"Haven't Dom's always done subs?"

BBC News: Cancer all-clear for TV's Balding
Good timing - guess those TV's will be able to grow all their hair back now.

My maths teacher keeps telling me I don't like 'Sine(P)'
weird old man trying to get me with his reverse trigonometry

When I'm feeling down I like to just sit and hold my wife tight.
The fact she can't escape from my full nelson always cheers me up.

I've got this friend that loves to singing gospel music and rhythm and blues.
I like to think of him as my soul mate.

SKY NEWS: Dozens die in Iran air crash
does this mean there won't be a third movie?

I was listening to some rolling stones when I told my wife "Just stay there a minute"
Thankfully she was crushed.