I told some homeless bloke he seriously needed to take a shower.
He just gave me a dirty look.

Who's the best golfer in Ireland?
Bill O'Par.

When it comes down to it, Joanna was a landscape architect.
It's not like she was going to change the face of the Earth or anything.

Albinos pale in comparison to caucasians.

My mate had a horrible accident in a car with a faulty steering wheel.
He lost control as it turned out.

I have seconds to live.
Otherwise my anorexia will worsen.

Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.

I just downloaded a court game from the internet.
It says I get a 14 day free trial.

I took my wife's car to be part-exchanged yesterday.
I had the brake cables swapped for cheese strings.

I tried to get over my masturbating addiction by going cold Turkey.
I wouldn't recommend it, I ended up with frostbite.

My neighbour claims to be an equine vet, but he's not foaling anyone.

Why did the spy end up on this side of the road?
He double crossed it.

A friend told me the other day he had a chronic disease which meant that he found everything funny.
He can't be serious.

Why won't you see any Jews out today?
The weather forecast said to expect showers.

I had to laugh whilst at the Zoo today.
I'm a Hyena.

Two things fascinate me - the middle east and animal slaughter.
I've just booked a week in Saudi Arabia to kill two birds with one stone.

My brother is always playing jokes on me and they often don't click straight away. I was recently watching the telly, but to my dismay there was only a blank screen. A few minutes later I thought to myself, "that's not on!"

My friend said to me 'I caught a rabbit with a snare yesterday'
I though 'Maybe he's part of a band'

Last week I hosted a charity 50's Rock Theme night for sufferers of Parkinson's disease.
There was a whole lotta shakin goin on

Undercover boss:
So you're a pimp then?

While at the zoo, my wife was molested by 4 monkeys, 2 orangutans & a chimp.
Poor woman's been gang-aped..

I've just been arrested for spinning an OAP above my head.
I was only trying to see if the swinging sixties were as good as everyone says.

Poor Indonesia....
Put the news on this morning and immediately felt a wave of sadness...

I cried for hours when someone spelt my name without a capital letter.
I'm very case sensitive.

Have you heard the one about the alphabet woman that ran out of letters?
Didn't think so. She only had i's for me