I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

After surviving forty straight years of hazardous and illegal driving on my rims, I've decided that it's finally time to re-tyre.

Chinese philiosophy just isn't my cup of chi.

My butcher's running a tombola and has just sold me a ticket.
I'm in for the chop.

There's a time and a place to be punctual.

BBC News: "A-14 closed for period this morning"
Come on ladies it cant be THAT bad?

I always fancied being an alcoholic....I just never really had the bottle.

Salami was invented in the Saus Age.

When my mate said he was taking me to a 'cat-house' I didn't expect to end up in a bin..

Not sure if the bookmaker near me is a dwarf or a midget.
Either way it makes little odds.

Being a bit of a hypochondriac, i like to stockpile lots of medicines just in case.
I've got a crate of aspirins for my migraines, a vat of cough syrup for tickly throats and as for ointment, I've got piles.

My blonde girlfriend was staring out of window earlier. After 10 minutes she stood up confidently, and I had no idea why.
'what were you doing?' I asked.
'I've cracked it!' she said. 'I told my careers advisor that I wanted to work in IT!'
'what's that got to do with you staring there?'
'you're so silly. He said I should first master using windows.'

I had never known my wife to be such at expert at grilling until I bought a new gas bar-b-que for the deck out back.
"How much did this cost? Where did you get the money? Did I say it was OK to buy this? she asked me repeatedly until I was reduced to tears.

Psychologists say that children who bond with their fathers from an early age have less chance of having behavioural problems later in life.
I agree. I used to watch the Bond films with my Dad, and it never did me any harm.

Landing Jets in the water is plane sailing.

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.

My brother and I couldn't decide who would inherit all Dad's old woodworking tools, so we've decided to play a game of rock, paper, scissors for them.
Winner takes awl.

In 1938 in Europe we had 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' but due to our large influx of Muslims and pakis by 2038 it's likely to be 'How do you solve a problem like Sharia?'

Lady Gaga is re-releasing one of her hits as a tribute to Gary Barlow
"Stillborn This Way"

I used to play the piano.
The piano always won.

My enema seminar was a complete washout.

My friend's a bit slow.
I wound his watch back 5 minutes when he wasn't looking.

I applied for a job at a engineering firm to work on a lathe.
They turned me down!

There's something long and hard in my trousers...
..My femur