I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

After surviving forty straight years of hazardous and illegal driving on my rims, I've decided that it's finally time to re-tyre.

Chinese philiosophy just isn't my cup of chi.

My butcher's running a tombola and has just sold me a ticket.
I'm in for the chop.

There's a time and a place to be punctual.

BBC News: "A-14 closed for period this morning"
Come on ladies it cant be THAT bad?

I always fancied being an alcoholic....I just never really had the bottle.

Salami was invented in the Saus Age.

When my mate said he was taking me to a 'cat-house' I didn't expect to end up in a bin..

Not sure if the bookmaker near me is a dwarf or a midget.
Either way it makes little odds.

Being a bit of a hypochondriac, i like to stockpile lots of medicines just in case.
I've got a crate of aspirins for my migraines, a vat of cough syrup for tickly throats and as for ointment, I've got piles.

There was panic at work today when someone was apparently spotted carrying a counterfeit pepperoni.
Thankfully, it turned out to be a false salami.

"I'm going to one of those Arab countries for an operation. I need to stop this fluid from coming out of my nose," I said to my mate.
"Qatar?"
"No, the doctor says it's blood."

I told my mate that from now on, I'm going to put a word for average in every sentence I say. He just laughed and thought it was a silly idea.
"No, I mean it." I replied.

My skinny neighbour gets pushed about by everybody in our street.
He really needs to get a new car.

I woke up this morning and put mascara on my head, wasn't happy with that so I put lipstick on my head, still wasn't happy with that.
I really couldn't make up my mind

Headline: Priest preyed on young vulnerable boys.
Well that's not the worst thing he could have done.

I managed to convince a friend to kill my wife for some big money. He did the deed and came to me shaking and covered in blood while stuttering, "What have I done?" I handed him the money trying to calm him down but if anything the novelty football sized pound coin made things worse.

I just bought Walk the Line and The Mask.
It was a two DVD deal at the Cash and Carrey.

I would tell a joke about my job as a royal mail standards commissioner,
but I need to improve delivery.

My blonde girlfriend was staring out of window earlier. After 10 minutes she stood up confidently, and I had no idea why.
'what were you doing?' I asked.
'I've cracked it!' she said. 'I told my careers advisor that I wanted to work in IT!'
'what's that got to do with you staring there?'
'you're so silly. He said I should first master using windows.'

I had never known my wife to be such at expert at grilling until I bought a new gas bar-b-que for the deck out back.
"How much did this cost? Where did you get the money? Did I say it was OK to buy this? she asked me repeatedly until I was reduced to tears.

Psychologists say that children who bond with their fathers from an early age have less chance of having behavioural problems later in life.
I agree. I used to watch the Bond films with my Dad, and it never did me any harm.

Landing Jets in the water is plane sailing.