The lawsuit made Abercrombie and Fitch realise the disabled girl wasnt as armless as theyd once thought.

I've just got one of those divers watches.
I had to drown him to get it.

From the BBC Website: WHO warns against homeopathy use .....
It's funny I thought Dr Who was a homeo.

Granny Smith.. The apple of my pie

There was panic at work today when someone was apparently spotted carrying a counterfeit pepperoni.
Thankfully, it turned out to be a false salami.

"I'm going to one of those Arab countries for an operation. I need to stop this fluid from coming out of my nose," I said to my mate.
"Qatar?"
"No, the doctor says it's blood."

I told my mate that from now on, I'm going to put a word for average in every sentence I say. He just laughed and thought it was a silly idea.
"No, I mean it." I replied.

My skinny neighbour gets pushed about by everybody in our street.
He really needs to get a new car.

I woke up this morning and put mascara on my head, wasn't happy with that so I put lipstick on my head, still wasn't happy with that.
I really couldn't make up my mind

Headline: Priest preyed on young vulnerable boys.
Well that's not the worst thing he could have done.

I managed to convince a friend to kill my wife for some big money. He did the deed and came to me shaking and covered in blood while stuttering, "What have I done?" I handed him the money trying to calm him down but if anything the novelty football sized pound coin made things worse.

I just bought Walk the Line and The Mask.
It was a two DVD deal at the Cash and Carrey.

I would tell a joke about my job as a royal mail standards commissioner,
but I need to improve delivery.

Did you hear about the painting contest? It ended in a draw.

Once again my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with the band Del Amitri.
I'm always the last to know.

Last night on the drink, I jokefully boxed my friend Jamal.
Just checking the UPS tracker, apparently he's on his way home now.

The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it still hurts.

As a hotel inspector, I looked at 7 rooms today before I found one of a decent standard.
It certainly makes one ruminate.

Tulisa says that the worst is yet to come.
And when it does, I bet she swallows the german sausage.

As a marine engineer, I am frequently called in to repair the engine lubrication systems on small harbour boats.
I love my oily tug jobs.

Went surfing yesterday.
Came out covered in vomit.
Mate asked "What happened?!"
I said "I don't really know! Was suddenly overcome by a wave of nausea".

I've woken up this morning with a bleeding mouth, gum lacerations, and a severely punctured cheek.
I think it's clear someone spiked my drink.

My wife keeps irritating me by moving all of my furniture around my office so I decided to return the favour by rotating all of the furniture in the kitchen and dining rooms, and she went ballistic,
it seems she can't handle it, now the tables have turned.

I was walking to work when I came across a guy in a crocodile costume.
I asked, "Why are you in a crocodile costume?"
He said, "I'm obsessed with them, want me to tell you why?"
I replied, "Well, I need to get to work, so make it snappy."

I sent my Thai bride out for some fine wine and she came back with a Semillon.