All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.

My brother and I couldn't decide who would inherit all Dad's old woodworking tools, so we've decided to play a game of rock, paper, scissors for them.
Winner takes awl.

In 1938 in Europe we had 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' but due to our large influx of Muslims and pakis by 2038 it's likely to be 'How do you solve a problem like Sharia?'

Lady Gaga is re-releasing one of her hits as a tribute to Gary Barlow
"Stillborn This Way"

I used to play the piano.
The piano always won.

My enema seminar was a complete washout.

My friend's a bit slow.
I wound his watch back 5 minutes when he wasn't looking.

I applied for a job at a engineering firm to work on a lathe.
They turned me down!

There's something long and hard in my trousers...
..My femur

The lawsuit made Abercrombie and Fitch realise the disabled girl wasnt as armless as theyd once thought.

I've just got one of those divers watches.
I had to drown him to get it.

From the BBC Website: WHO warns against homeopathy use .....
It's funny I thought Dr Who was a homeo.

Granny Smith.. The apple of my pie

I had a delicious rabbit for dinner. Now he's just some bunny that I used to gnaw.

Solar powered calculators never let you down.
you can count on them.

Did you hear about the painting contest? It ended in a draw.

Once again my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with the band Del Amitri.
I'm always the last to know.

Last night on the drink, I jokefully boxed my friend Jamal.
Just checking the UPS tracker, apparently he's on his way home now.

The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it still hurts.

As a hotel inspector, I looked at 7 rooms today before I found one of a decent standard.
It certainly makes one ruminate.

Tulisa says that the worst is yet to come.
And when it does, I bet she swallows the german sausage.

As a marine engineer, I am frequently called in to repair the engine lubrication systems on small harbour boats.
I love my oily tug jobs.

Went surfing yesterday.
Came out covered in vomit.
Mate asked "What happened?!"
I said "I don't really know! Was suddenly overcome by a wave of nausea".

I've woken up this morning with a bleeding mouth, gum lacerations, and a severely punctured cheek.
I think it's clear someone spiked my drink.

My wife keeps irritating me by moving all of my furniture around my office so I decided to return the favour by rotating all of the furniture in the kitchen and dining rooms, and she went ballistic,
it seems she can't handle it, now the tables have turned.