BBC News: Three killed when car overturns.
I bet the driver flipped.

A girlfriend once dumped me during a site seeing trip to Pompeii. She left me in ruins

I ran over a bunny this morning.
Or 'Miss April' as she's known to Playboy readers.

I ran into a fishing shop today and threatened to shoot everybody if the didn't give me all the money in the till. The cashier said, "Sorry Sir, we've not had any takings yet.
So I took the float.

If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea

I've just come back from the ultrasound music festival in Staffordshire...
It was a load of rubbish, I couldn't hear anything.

I want to trace my biological father.
Unfortunately, I can't find a piece of tracing paper large enough.

My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.
It was panned by the critics.

Amy Childs reminds me of dental pain.
Too fake.

The wife asked me to clear a spot underneath the window,so i used some clearasil.

I have an overactive imagination.
I ran four marathons in my head yesterday.

Omnipotent paradox: fills ur head with problems god can't solve

Me and my girlfriend have the same shoe size.
We're sole-mates.

My girlfriend left me the other day.
Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

My wife is going to leave me if I don't give up my obsession with Gregorian monastic music.
Last chants.

I'm thinking of joining the Lonely Hearts Club.
Who's with me?

I was in America trying to buy a stick at 36 inches but I can't find any. It's strange, I'm always hearing about their yard sales.

I've just sold my Born to Run, Dancing in the Dark and Born in the USA LPs I'm having a bit of a Springclean.

I keep all of my bondage and S&M gear in a black nylon bag with a full length zip and a pair of handles.
It's my seedy case.

Working at a restaurant the other day, I walked a couple over to their table. As I left, the man said 'Ere mate, this table rocks!...'
I said 'oh your welcome sir'. I laughed to myself and thought, he won't be so happy when he realises I've give them the wobbly one!

I saw my wife in private,
that way no one can see me burying the pieces.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

This bloke asked me what the fractional part of a decimal number was.
I said, 'that's beyond the point'.

I've heard they're developing a new high budget game called Diarrhoea, but Its super secret and they wont give any details out.
I really hope it gets leaked.

I come from a long line of proud and accomplished sewer workers, we're not afraid of handling the big jobs!