I've just come back from the ultrasound music festival in Staffordshire...
It was a load of rubbish, I couldn't hear anything.

If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea

I ran into a fishing shop today and threatened to shoot everybody if the didn't give me all the money in the till. The cashier said, "Sorry Sir, we've not had any takings yet.
So I took the float.

I ran over a bunny this morning.
Or 'Miss April' as she's known to Playboy readers.

A girlfriend once dumped me during a site seeing trip to Pompeii. She left me in ruins

BBC News: Three killed when car overturns.
I bet the driver flipped.

I shot a couple of American tourist earlier by hiding in a giant dessert.
I put the rifle in the trifle.

I had to tell my wife i ran over next doors cat earlier and felt guilty as they were having dinner with us.
''What if they find out?'' she asked.
''They wont im sure of it''
''how are you certain?''
'The proof is in the pudding''

I had a threesome with two eastern europian girls yesterday,
It made me feel like a professional ski-er
Going in and out of poles

I don't think I'm going to be able to pay for this IV therapy.
I might have to get it on the drip.

I just bought a new pair of trainers to help me when I start jogging.
Hopefully they'll give me the motivational support and advice I need.

Worst piece of advice about life Amy Winehouse ever received:
You just need to get back on the horse.

"Goodbye Cruel World" I said as I booked virgin galactic

BBC news: Austria mourns the empire's Otto von Habsburg, last heir.
All of our royal family are losing theirs we don't moan about it.

My girlfriend was putting me down saying that no woman would ever look at me and get wet. So I booked my band a gig at Glastonbury

BBC NEWS: Afghan civilians killed by British drone
Since when did Stephen Fry join the army?

I went to a West End show with my family last week. The underground is so crowded in London, you have to jump out when you can. My dad and brother squeezed out first, then I saw an opportunity, so I got off with my Mum. People looked at us a bit strangely, but we just have that kind of relationship

I have spent all day working on my car, it only had reverse gear, I still don't know why.
I'm still no further forward.

I've just sold my Born to Run, Dancing in the Dark and Born in the USA LPs I'm having a bit of a Springclean.

I keep all of my bondage and S&M gear in a black nylon bag with a full length zip and a pair of handles.
It's my seedy case.

Working at a restaurant the other day, I walked a couple over to their table. As I left, the man said 'Ere mate, this table rocks!...'
I said 'oh your welcome sir'. I laughed to myself and thought, he won't be so happy when he realises I've give them the wobbly one!

I saw my wife in private,
that way no one can see me burying the pieces.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

This bloke asked me what the fractional part of a decimal number was.
I said, 'that's beyond the point'.

I've heard they're developing a new high budget game called Diarrhoea, but Its super secret and they wont give any details out.
I really hope it gets leaked.