If Caesar was so tough why did they name a salad after him instead of a slab of beef?

Me: I got my blue peter badge for stealing yesterday.
Friend: "what did you steal"
Me: A blue Peter badge.

Whenever I'm comforting someone who likes correcting people's
grammar. I hold them softly and gently whisper,
"They're, their".

The wife and I decided to have a race to see who would die first.
I left her in my wake.

Last night I tried to confiscate my son's heroin but it was all in vein.

My wife was in a car crash recently..
She was an extra in Ricky Gervais's Derek.

My dad used to hate technology but now he gives lectures on his idea of a bicycle with a reverse gear.
Talk about back-pedaling.

"I treasured my Wife, how can you say that?!"
Probably not the best response I could think of when the detective asked me if I buried her at sea.

Last night i phoned the samaritans because i thought my obsession with Debbie Harry had gone too far.
They kept me hanging on the telephone.

I watched a Spanish man do a back-flip on his skateboard.
After that he did an ol.

My mate asked me if I knew any cricket jokes...
But I'm all out!

Supposedly , 50% of Africans have to walk over a mile for clean water.
I think that's a bit far-fetched.

You've got to feel sorry for the remaining Philpott children, they must miss the ones that have gone.
They're embers of the same family afterall.

Why is it impossible to electrocute worms?
Because they are always earthed!

I had a delicious rabbit for dinner. Now he's just some bunny that I used to gnaw.

Solar powered calculators never let you down.
you can count on them.

My son really annoys me when he's dunking his biscuits.
I wouldn't mind but he's got crumbs all over the basketball court.

I organised a drinks party for Tory Jamaicans in Yorkshire.
It was a right rum do.

Me and my mates feel privileged to have opened the lion enclosure at our local zoo.
No one asked us to, and now the whole town is in lock down.

I really don't like my new clutch.
But that's just a matter of a pinion.

I was at a friend's place earlier and we were listening to his new stereo while he proceeded to tell me how he had to travel all the way to china to get it since no shop sells them here.
Sounded pretty far-fetched if you ask me.

I was at a friend's place earlier and we were listening to his new stereo while he proceeded to tell me how he had to travel all the way to china to get it since no shop sells them here.
Sounded pretty far-fetched if you ask me.

Just had an unrealistic dinner at CGI Fridays.

My son was convinced he'd seen a ufo yesterday.
I told him it could be just a balloon but he still sat there all day with his ionosphere.

Nickel and Gallium combined to steal my periodic table and TV
Typical NiGa.