Nickel and Gallium combined to steal my periodic table and TV
Typical NiGa.

I was on a remote island once.
Just a pity there were no tv's.

Hemp towels leave you high and dry.

Just got back from Africa and you wouldn't believe all the potholes they have.
The little food they have just falls out and into the fire.

Do you want to here a joke about stealing from gardens?
Actually no, you might take a fence.

Jay-Z's song '99 problems' was inspired by his two Dalamatians when they had puppies.

Where there's smoke, I'm fired.

I recently taught a sheep how to drive. She wasn't very good driving straight, but she was good at ewe-turns.

The wood in my old flat was so decayed, that I fell through the bedroom floor into a 180, reverse-twist somersault.
It was a proper dive.

I hate taxi drivers that think they can defy the laws of gravity.
They drive me up the wall.

The bigger my wife gets, the more exciting I find her.
She keeps me on the edge of my bed.

An engineer was trying to fix a compressing toilet,
but then he got piston

My mother gave birth to me whilst skydiving.
I was airborne.

My days were numbered at the calender factory.
So I didn't get sacked.

Last year I was charged for having luggage dropped into my arms.
It was a caught case.

I went in a shop and said "Have you got any stock cubes?",
The Shopkeeper said "Knorr?",
I said "Ok, thanks anyway".

Don't tell anyone, but there are a couple of hoes in my shed.

Just got kicked out of Harvester, Apparently 'Steak & BJ Day' doesn't count at restaurants!

These two random people stopped me in the street today asking me to work out corners of these triangles.
What was their angle?

My favourite Acronym is still TBC.

I just read a letter from my girlfriend saying that she is breaking up with me because I cant throw anything away.
It was dated 12th March 1967.

What do you call a group of dyslexic physicists having a 'sword' fight?
The Large Hardon Collider.

When I thought of this joke I was swimming.
It was a Stroke of genius.

When I thought of this joke I was swimming.
It was a Stroke of genius.

My wife didn't enjoy my Yule Log...apparently the bit of bog roll stuck to it put her off.