I said to my wife earlier,''I'm gonna tell your mother I'll give her a tenner if she runs into the wall face first.''
She went,''Don't you dare''
I went,''It's not a dare..it's more like a bet''

The wife asked me today what I saw in her.
I told her to shut up and keep still until I'd finished taking the x-ray.

My Dad served in Vietnam.
He was a fantastic tennis player.

I'm buying an Earthquake simulator from a mate.
No contract has been signed but we've shaken on it.

Had a game of knots and crosses the other day with the wife...
I Tied her up and crucified her...

I've just been told off by trading standards for selling cheap cod...
He gave me a Pollocking.

For my business project I have to study the Irish airline Lingus, apparently their business plan was cunning.
But every time I google it I get distracted and sticky.

My Girlfriend is beginning to annoy me with her overly opinionated views on religion.
However, she is quite sectsy...

I was re-tiling my bathroom but when I'd nearly finished I realised I didn't have enough.
I desperately tried to re-arrange them to look alright, but it was too futile.

Why do women spend so much time at the sperm bank?
They spend hours trying to find the right bag.

I recently signed up for a deal with a new Christian phone network.
It's Pray-as-you-go.

I had a fencing lesson today.
Never try to sell a stolen T.V. outside a police station.

When climbing ladders, do blind people need a step-by-step guide?

I really hate it when people use the internet to complain about their dislikes.

I like my tomatoes how I like my one liners
Straight from the Vine

The police just arrested me at my sportwear stall on the market.
Apparantly "short selling" is now banned.

My wife keeps trying to get me fit so I tried to think of a way to get rid of her.
It was as easy as pie.

Remembering sayings was never my fifty!

That film 'Contagion' sounds good.
I hope to catch it at some point this week.

I lost my job at the abbatoir because I couldn't name a common term for disembowelment.
Gutted.

I went to a book burning party the other day, but it turned out that bringing my Kindle wasn't particularly useful.

Since my marriage ended, I've not got a penny to my name.
She has gone back to using her maiden name.

I was well pleased with my find when I was looking through Lost property.
I got a beach hut in the South Pacific.

Sainsburys refuse to sell flour and eggs to under 18's until after Halloween.
So don't be surprised if you get hit over the head with an empty mixing bowl and whisked off to hospital.

Last night I was at a party for brittle bone disease sufferers.
Breakdancing was the norm.