I was out with the mates last night.
We each dropped a rohypnol at my place for a laugh.

I was lucky enough to see Rooney messing about at the training pitch and he bagged a screamer. The next day it was a squirter, then a 70 year old.

I know where specialist food stores keep their flour, by the whey.

I connected with a girl at speed dating called Swan Vesta.
As soon as we met, I knew she was a perfect match.

Definitions:
Pastiche... what Sean Connery eats in Cornwall
Module.... Xmas with The Who

"I had a mate whose nickname was Dekker" I said to my wife
"Was his real name Derek then?" She asked
"No, his name was Mick" I replied, "We called him Dekker because he used to hit women"

Due to alcohol abuse I liver damaged lifestyle.

I alway's beat my friend at blow football,
He sucks.

Once again, like last year, the wife's said she's getting all my christmas presents from the charity shop.
That's nothing new.

I managed to organize a gathering of the people in the world with the biggest shoe sizes.
Took me a while, it was no small feat.

I asked the foreign concierge if he had any rooms avaiable.
He just looked at me with a vacant expression.

I'm a firm believer that a persons email address says a lot about them. It just so happens mine is a Hotmail account.

My new girlfriend is like dubstep, young, makes a lot of weird noises, and you may find her hard to get into, but when you do its so dirty.

My mate called me an idiom the other day, I thought the insult was a bit cliched.

My wife told me to buy our son a games console but nothing too big.
I'll just buy him a wii present.

I've never wanted to be a writer, but after meeting The Godfather I think that will change.
He said he's gonna make me an Author, I can't refuse.

My mate insists it's not him in the photo swimming in the longest river in the world.
He's in denial.

What do you call a german on speaker phone?
Hans Free

Went for a Chinese last night and I ordered something from the specials board.
I got too much foo young.

My wife's been in labour for eight months now and she's still getting bigger every day.
She could only get a job as a brick-layer after KFC fired her.

My friend's mum was a wrestler, and she gave birth to him during a match.
He was born out of headlock.

I was standing alone in the middle of a park one day, thinking to myself about life and its mysteries... Then suddenly something struck me.
A woman driver.

I can't believe the number of people who came to my summer pool party.
If I'd known how many would turn up I'd have hired some more cues.

Was browsing the shops earlier when a shirt caught my eye that I just had to have. First thing I did when I got home was try it on. It even smelt great as I pulled it over my head.
Too my disappointment though I spotted a large gaping hole in the middle of it.
Should have realised that it was a polo shirt.

Going Green: it really is the only way to save the planet.
The more rotting, mouldy corpses the better.