Last night I met a variety of people with magical powers.
Witch was nice.

Never own a pet store. Stores make terrible pets.

Apparently, someone has tipped off the authorities that a fortune teller is smuggling drugs in a crystal ball..
The police are looking into it.

Got stuck for hours today in a hall of mirrors.
I was beside myself with worry.

A bunch of OAP's came into my shop today, they started to push and shove trying to get their hands on the latest top of the range mobility scooter.
I told them to 'form an Elderly queue.'

My grandfather was a chain smoker. Every time he had a cigarette he got 10 of his friends to light up too.

What did the Geordie say to the Ethiopian?
Fly eye man.

What did the Geordie say to the Ethiopian?
Fly eye man.

I've started up a business offering rides in Willie Wonker's lift.
Sales are going through the roof.

I've written a book on how to cut onions with a chainsaw.
It's pretty dicey.

Why does Shane Warne never go to bed late?
So he can get up Hurley

BBC Sport: Bulgarian fans are a disgrace.
All football fans should know how offensive it is to attack.

Why is 'Charlie' short for 'Charles' when clearly it isn't?

I have a thing for feet.
A pumice stone.

I was going to post a joke about chemistry
but I was afraid of getting a bad reaction

BBC: Teacher Guilty Of Suitcase Murder.
The inquiry began when they opened the case, and ended when they closed it.

How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?
Wonton

I studied abroad for some time.
She slapped me and called me a 'pervert'.

I woke up this morning penniless.
Penny left me.

I've been feeling really tired at work lately, so I'm going to book a rest tomorrow.
I love Romainia at this time of the year.

I hated harmonicas up until I accidentally swallowed one.
I soon changed my tune.

My misses wont stop singing songs by the 'Fine young cannibals'
She drives me crazy.

This time last year I weighed nine stones...
I don't know why I just wanted to weigh them.

Bomb disposal experts can be really moody when they're deactivating landmines.
So if you approach one, tread carefully.

My mate asked me if I knew any good shops that sell hats
" Not off the top of my head" I replied.