I love crosswords.
Angry is my favourite

I never really fitted in at school...
I was fat.

I've got this new job, fitting parts to sinks.
To be honest, I'm not very good at it, but I'll keep plugging away.

Aristotle: "What does it mean to be a good person?"
Descartes: "What does it mean to be?"
Nietzsche: "What does it mean?"
Bertrand Russel: "What does 'it' mean?"
C.S Lewis: "What does it?"
Lil John: "What?"

Who exactly are 'Mates' condoms aimed at?

The wife served me divorce papers this morning, saying she hated being married to a Trigonometry teacher
I told her I'd sine them later, cos shes always going off on her weird tangents

The Independent: "Hospital sorry for corridor death".
And there was me thinking buildings were incapable of such complex emotions.

A street magician asked me to think of a number between 1 and 3, but it was only noon so I told him I'd be back in an hour or so.

My deeply religious mother was horrified when she thought I'd bought her an old wooden carving of the devil.
"No, Mum. I said it's an antique Christ."

For fifteen years I've been collecting watches and clocks but I've had to give it up.
It was taking up too much time.

Scored with a black bird last night.
It was just flying in front of me so I caught it sweet on the volley.

The wife just came home with a leg of lamb, a shoulder, a saddle, half a dozen loin chops, a best end of neck and a rolled breast for five quid!
I thought, "That's sheep."

I sat down at job interview today. The interviewer said immediately,
"Clearly, Mr. Jones, you've been lying on your C.V. It says here, that you've worked in PR for nearly five years, and yet you're only sixteen? How can that be?"
And I thought loads of 11 year-olds had a paper round.

Yahoo news - Hair Fetishist sentenced to Life
At least he can dye in prison

I can never remember the ending of sayings.
Oh well, easy come.....

German on pole at the British Grand Prix. Is Max Mosley back in charge?

It was a slow day at work earlier.
Then again, i work at a down syndrome clinic so everyday is a slow day.

I was leaving a lecture at university the other day when, my tutor came up to me and said "I believe this is your wallet,you must have dropped it on the way in."
I suddenly realised, this is something profound.

My wife just told me a bomb has gone off in Oslo.
I said ," No way."
She said, " Yeah, is there any other?"

My mates and I like to smoke weed and chase each other. We call it #

The best thing about having a cripple for a wife is that I can always do whatever I want.
She never stands in my way.

BBC News - American singer Peek dies aged 60.
That's really summit.

Me and my Ex had a falling out when we became mimes...
We don't talk anymore.

"Helping young women to fight and struggle with their problems"
John Smith,
Therapist.

My wife was going on and on and on about how she was worried that she might spill her coffee.
I had to tell her to put a lid on it.