My mate at work asked me how much cable I needed, I told him 10.2 metres.
I thought that it was a measured response.

I've got a step aerobics instructor.
My mum won't tell me who my real aerobics instructor was.

After a life of stealing rulers, I've finally decided to go straight.

I recently got sacked from my cleaners job at the care home,
I dont understand why the manager acted so badly,
He was the one that told me to get into every nuck and granny

I just bought a car that runs on electricity, and is charged by divine judgement. It's a hybris.

Apparently most men won't go down on their partner during her period.
I guess it's just a matter of taste.

My friend called me last night panicking, he had just completed a powerpoint presentation. Despite the content being fine, he felt the presentation of it was bland and lifeless.
I told him to look at the fonts and maybe something will inspire him.
He called me four hours later, still panicking, telling me, he had watched four episodes of Happy Days and still no inspiration.

Took my little boy to his mate Leeroys birthday party earlier and I almost got roped into giving the kids donkey rides around the living room floor.
Thats was a monkey off my back let me tell you.

After one year of marriage to my wife 'Eve', I finally understand how her ex husband was arrested for Eavesdropping.

I've found that Russians are quite volga.

I needed some inspiration earlier.
So I took a deep breath.

It was very dark times when I had insomnia.

The discovery of how to make steel was ironic.

might splash out on a water bed

There are so many huge blokes at the gym, I always feel a pansy. One of them suggested I leave my pot plants at home and get on with lifting some weights instead

Seve Ballesteros is dead.
He had a couple of strokes at the 14th

I showed a picture of myself to one of my friends and she told me to "get ugly"
So I fetched my wife.

My Spanish girlfriend won't let me have a threesome.
It's strictly Juanita time.

"Bang tidy!" is a good way of picking up a girl and making her blush.
BANG! "Tidy!" is a way of making her be good and pick up a brush.

My wife has the incredibly irritating habit of keeping a register of me and the family every morning.
She really knows how to tick me off.

BBC News: "Train pony turns up at hospital, and a pub".
Yesterday it went to the train station, today a hospital and a pub. Clearly it's not a one-trick pony!

It was as I unpacked the groceries into the kitchen cupboard, that I realised I had a roach problem.
I'd forgotten to buy some rolling papers.

Eastern Europeans come to work in the UK for little money.
It's Slav labour.

The people in the pub laughed and thought that I was an idiot for putting ten grand on the world not ending today.
They won't be laughing tomorrow when the black man comes back giving me my twenty grand winnings.

I just spat all over my mother in laws fish and chips.
She took it with a pinch of salt.