What do you do to a girl who pinches your lighter? ........ Clip 'er

The Black Eyed Peas...
...putting the "C" back into rap!

My wife says she wants double glazing.
I hope this is an innuendo for bukakke.

I just saw snakes on a plane.
And here I was thinking it only happens in movies.

A local Tailor was supposed to come to my house today to adjust my trouser legs. He didn't turn up.

I named my child after you.
My wife still thinks it's an unconventional name though.

Why is etymology called etymology?

Sky news: bush fires destroy homes in western australia.
Looks like they won't have to wait 18 months for the ashes to return afterall.

The first step is always the hardest.
Unless your walking through quick drying cement.

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, I put this down to good chemistry.
It was my strongest subject at university.

Never mess with someone that has OCD.
They just clean it all up.

I hear Boris Johnson wants to rise public transport fares again.
So that's what I get for paying my taxi's.

My wife made me a cup of tea.
It's the most ridiculous fancy dress costume I've ever seen.

My vacuum cleaner is called William.
Named after Di's son.

"Husband's violent behaviour only made me stronger"
She must be battery powered.

There's this girl that works in McDonalds. She's a little bit fat, but I wouldn't half pounder.

I've finally found my dream job as a traffic warden.
I got home and I thought: 'That's the ticket.'

My mate's been dodging train ticket conductor this whole week so far.
Fare play I say.

I cant stand protesters.
But I don't know how to tell anyone.

What do you call a fake vampire?
Don't Count.

I just ordered a new font.
It's coming by Courier.

My mate and I used to always argue about which tense a sentence was in. I used to favour the present tense,
but that's in the past.

I thought my girlfriend would be furious when it took me nearly five hours to get to the hospital when she went into labour.
I needn't have worried though; she was dilated to see me.

What do you call 100 Muslims in fancy dress?
Mosquerade Ball

What kind of shampoo do rodents use?
Gerbil Essences.