I steal mesh webbing to increase my net profit.

I was planning on watching David Attenborough all night but...
Life's to short.

The picture of my barren family farm was depressing
So I cropped it

I'm sick of all these stupid headlines.
I should really buy some anti-wrinkle cream.

My sister got a Scottish Action Man for Christmas,
Battery's included.

Our light bulb went in the living room, I asked the missus what light bulbs we needed?
She said 40 Watts.
I think she's going deaf.

With the new year just starting, it has got me thinking about change and how it can be a good thing...
especially when you don't want to break into that 20

I hate watch thieves.
I've got no time for them whatsoever.

I lost my job as an immigration officer.
I didn't tick all the right boxes.

Truly I share my birthday (Dec 1st) with Richard Pryor, Woody Allen, Bette Midler and Yamasaki Minoru.
3 Comedians and the bloke who designed the Twin Towers.
Boom boom

I was telling a friend that I've written a couple of articles for a military history magazine.
He said, "That must pay well, if you're a professional writer."
"Nah," I replied, "just a free lance."

I've started my own medical practice but haven't been making any money yet.
My dad says I need to have patients.

My family recently shunned my idea of a refrigerated blanket. I must say, I'm quite disappointed.
I thought it was a cool idea.

Being with the wife all those years, I was happy to see her let herself go.
And it was far better to die in a fall than that fire.

My mum said, "Promise me that you'll never use foul language ever again".
I swore.

I hate it when TV producers keep making a programme long beyond its natural shelf life, just because they want to make some easy money.
It's shameless.

Went to see a man about a dog today.
He thinks I've got good grounds for divorce.

Impulses
They really get on my nerves

If you're ill don't come down to the pub in an effort to feel better. People like you make me sick.

I got sent packing after 5 minutes at my new job as a pet manicurist.
They seemed upset that I had brought my own claw hammer with me.

I'm going to quit being lazy, next week.

Doors are opening for me at work.
I hate being a hotel porter.

I've got nothing against people training as dentists, but I wish they weren't so in your face about it.

Last night I finally met a girl who saw past the fact that I'm a cripple.
I fell for her.

Andy Gray loves a good linesman.
That's why he got his sack.