Hubble telescope detects the oldest known galaxy.
Yeh but it's not like we can eat it. It'll be out of date.

I don't mean to boast but I am a very humble person.

Brian.
His mind was a little mixed up.

People said I had it wrong when I said i'd completed the half marathon in 6 minutes.
Turns out I was wrong, It's not called a half apparently, it's called fun-size. And they've been calling them snickers for years now.

I've developed the world's first high definition book..
It's a dictionary on a shelf.

My wife said, "Why did you spend so much money on food?"
I replied, "You and the kids won't eat anything else."

Thought I would try shaving with my back to the mirror, but I can't see myself doing that

My mates off travelling around Thailand tomorrow on his own, I asked him who he was flying with?
He replied ''I dont know till I see them on the plane''

As a large animal vet I was asked to make a prosthetic hand device for a grizzly bear. Have I made a faux paw?

I really looked forward to some freshly squeezed orange today, but after 2 minutes of fumbling trying ...
I realised I just couldn't concentrate.

I have lost count of all the great comments I get about my abacus.

Bubble wrap:
3% Protecting belongings.
97% Stress relief.

Abu Hamza: Taking the 'lim' out of Muslim.

Yeah doctor, i've been feeling a bit... strange. like, sometimes past, sometimes future - you know?
Yes yes, you sound a bit tense.

Arrow making.
Don't nock it until you've tried it.

The bloke who invented mansize tissues must've known some really little blokes.

I got a new noose, but I don't know how to use it.
I haven't got the hang of it yet.

I've just called Vodafone customer service.
I said, "I'd like to talk to you about my account".
The woman said, "Is it a personal account?"
I said, "No not really, you can look at it if you want".

Apple are developing new technology that will be able to drive public transport and do everyday jobs, leaving thousands of people unemployed.
The iMmigrant.

My mate's getting really worried because he can't stop stealing cooking utensils
I told him to stop panicking and he'll be fine.

How do fat people win sporting events?
When its on a plate for them.

My wife was paralysed in a car crash yesterday.
I always warned her about driving at breakneck speed.

After 6 years searching hi and low for a new career path, attending numerous interviews and taking part in many trial shifts, I can finally bring some good news:
I'm going to be a professional gymnast.
At last I've finally landed on my feet.

I tend to take things in my stride
Security get less suspicious that way

I just bought a new Satnav, however it isn't very precise.
When I ask it for directions all it ever says is, "Round about now"