Me and the boys at work were up to allsorts last night
I now regret working at a liquorice factory

My new perfume on a mountain flowers theme is coming out next week.
It's called "Ascent of Everest."

BBC News: List of grounded aircraft grows.
Well if they insist on smoking in-flight it's hardly surprising.

I asked my son to fix some shelves while I was at work but he chose to smoke weed all day instead.
All that time wasted.

I came home from work and the wife said to me
"Fancy a 69"
I said "no thanks, I'll have a 72. I hate sweet and sour pork"

I came home from work and the wife said to me
"Fancy a 69"
I said "no thanks, I'll have a 72. I hate sweet and sour pork"

One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "why are you crying?"
The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long this sentence will be!"

I have spent all day working on my car, it only had reverse gear, I still don't know why.
I'm still no further forward.

I hate being in the spotlight, it's really warm in there.

Did you hear about the mathematician who worked out in the sun?
He became a tan gent.

A family of clones moved into the house nextdoor the other day.
They seem very nice, keep themselves to themselves...

I met a girl through an online dating website, we went out on a date and got on so well that she invited me back to her apartment.
I was right up her alley.

I had a near death experience last night. I was an arms distance away from my wife while she was beaten to death with my hammer.

For her birthday, I got my wife a preserved insect parasite that is 2,000 years old.
I think it's romantick anyway.

I'm a male model.
I have a face like an envelope.

What type of music do seagulls listen to?
Bird house.

Disabled artists that use their feet give me the worst mental pictures.

My other half asked me "What's my worst feature?"
I said "Weight".
I don't really know why she just stood there for ages looking at me blankly.

We were forced to call off the Annual Beer Festival last night after all the rain.
It was just dampening our spirits.

BBC NEWS: Man charged with Hong Kong murder.
I can only express my disgust, phooey!

Headline:'World's fattest man dies'.
Now on a lighter note...

Im going to fire up the Barbie later.
Just have to get her off my daughter first.

Pro-Gbagbo TV station called for people to mobilise against what it called a French '"occupation".
How is attacking smelly waiters going to help?

A bloke stopped me and said: Dunk, Monk, Bunk, Punk, Sunk
I was a victim of Gunk Rhyme

BBC News: "Surgeons raise alarm over waiting"
It's true, they bring you cold food and still expect a tip.