My wife said, "Why did you spend so much money on food?"
I replied, "You and the kids won't eat anything else."

Thought I would try shaving with my back to the mirror, but I can't see myself doing that

My mates off travelling around Thailand tomorrow on his own, I asked him who he was flying with?
He replied ''I dont know till I see them on the plane''

As a large animal vet I was asked to make a prosthetic hand device for a grizzly bear. Have I made a faux paw?

My friend was giving me an amazing lecture about how he'd got rid of most of the area on his chairs.
Really had me on the edge of my seat.

I saw this woman today on the side of the road surveying people about different types of women's clothing.
It was path-etique.

Sky News: Stag party plunges 100ft in hotel lift terror
Oh Dear...

Scientists have developed an Insect that devours muslim temples.
The Mosque eater.

My mate was on about how he didn't understand why paki's bless their meat, so I said,
"Halal me to explain."

I saw a picture of my wife on the internet.
I showed it to her and asked what I had to ask.
"When did we have that computer chair?"

I'm getting sick and tired of all this whitehaven nonsense.
That's why I've insisted that my girlfriend gets an all over tan this summer.

BBC Sport: France refuse to train after row
I can sympathise, their arms must've been knackered

I had to quit my job at a Cane Factory because I was getting too much stick

I've invented a Velcro condom.
Experts have criticised the idea but I'm sticking with it.

There's been some impressive rallies at Wimbledon this year. No way near as good as the Nuremburg ones though.

I've been looking for a dog to take round the streets of Bradford to attack pakis with. I can't seem to find the right type though.
You just can't get the Staff nowadays.

I bought an inflatable tank yesterday...
It was really hard to blow up.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

My smelly,Scottish wife of 15yrs called Pamela walked out on me recently and i must say i love the smell of nay pam in the morning

A man becomes a monk and on the first day he is shown around the place and learning the regulations. Eventually they go into a room and on the wall there is a huge plate made out of precious metal and various markings on it labeled with numbers. The man, astonished, reached out towards it when one of the senior monks stopped him and said.
Don't touch it, its the golden rule.

Corpoliticallyrect.
That's politically in correct.

I am well into modern line dancing.
I jump around like crazy after half a gram.

Formula 1 is for racists

I work in a factory where it's my job to fit metal pipes to the back of cars to release waste fumes into the atmosphere.
It's exhausting.

I went up to this guy and told him to pick up a twig.
The man said "Are you coming on to me?"
I replied "Mate, you've got the wrong end of the stick!"