Joe is walking his two dogs through the park when another man approaches.
'Are those Jack Russell's?' the man says.
'No they're mine' replies Joe.

Get me a lemon, sharpish.

"How many people in your household? Well, there's me, Uncle Ben, Aunt May..."
- Spidey Census

I was in my shed and shouted to the wife to give me a hand with a job.
She wasn't happy when she walked in to find my pants round my ankles.

I ordered myself one of those Green Cars, and it just got delivered.
Time to put some petal to the metal.

A good pun is like a good steak; a rare medium well done.

I'm a very indecisive person.
My favourite TV show is ER...

My Mum always used to say that men are scared of women with power.
Took me years to figure out she meant electrical items.

Stairlifts drive me up the wall.

All my bandmates are ill so I have to sing alone,
I've never felt solo.

Why did Baron Frankenstein give up acting?
He couldn't get the parts.

I bought some portable stairs.
Now all I need is a staircase.

When I'm with you, I am yours.
But without you I'm rs.

Have you seen the new TV show that's being made? It's a cop drama about a long chain of glucose molecules and the waste product from grain.
It's called 'Starchsky & Husk'.

When I was young my dad always made me sleep with a teddy.
I think he owed him money.

I can't make any sense of cannibalism among the Vietnamese.
It's all gobble-the-gook to me.

The Scottish Government are currently taking suggestions from the public as to what they should name the second road bridge which is due to be built over the River Forth.
I think they should confuse foreigners by calling it the Second Forth Road Bridge.

My girlfriend was the best ride at Alton Towers!
Shame about the queue though.

I had high hopes for myself for the staring contest championships.
However, I made a couple glaring errors.

Why does Gigahertz?
because Megabytez

Velcro really works, believe it or knot.

I never thought I'd enjoy philosophy until I found my nietzsche

Me and my mates were playing cricket in the park earlier with a Mr Potato Head.
No one batted an eyelid.

When my dad was my age, he was already married and had
two children with my mum.
I've only kissed her so far.

The doctor told me I was going to have a nervous breakdown...
He explained this to me.... In a really scary voice.