I rarely let my guard down.
If anything I spoil him.

I went up to a fit brunette in a pub and said, "I can't wait until our date!"
She said, "What date?!"
I said, "Make it Friday."

Technology News: Gaze control to be introduced.
And it's about time too. Those queers were getting out of hand.

I've just opened up a pub near a volcano.
It's gonna be the new hotspot in town.

I once had a clock shop but it ended up going out of business.
I gave too much tick and was eventually wound up.

'Man holds hostages because of HGV License'.
Wow-The HGV Test has changed since i took it.

I wasn't sure how my wife would react when she realised that i'd brought her to a Bukkake party.
To my surprise she took it on the chin.

"Russell Kane as you've never seen him before!".
What, Is he going to be funny?.

I work so hard to be lazy.

Just came in and saw this note on the table from my girlfriend
Peter,
I'm leaving you because our relationship never seemed that important to you. There are too many other things that came first and it just didn't seem like you were that bothered what way it turned out. I just wonder how long it will take you to get over it or if you'll care at all. I'll be at maria's house in Darlington if you need me. I wish you all the best, Jenny.
Needless to say I was quite taken aback. When did Maria move to Darlington?

I was chatting affably with the Italian waiter in the Trattoria last night.
After the main course he asked. 'And what do you do senor?'
'Oh, i'm just a litigation lawyer' I replied.
His eyes lit up, and he said. 'Then for dessert, may i recommend mama's home made suet pudding.'

Rebekah Brooks is to be charged with perverting the course of justice, and she's not happy about it.
In fact, you could say that she's rather hacked off.

What floats Elton John's boat?
Flamboyancy.

"Does anyone have a photo of me from far away?"
"No!"
"Oh well, it was a long shot."

what did the coffee machine say to the vending machine when he swore at him?
you're out of order!

My wife wasn't happy when I told her I wanted to be a lobotomist.
She gave me a piece of her mind.

Went to the hairdressers today for the 1st time in 6 months.
'In for a bush cut?', said the receptionist
'If you have warm hands', I replied

When adverts say how amazing their products are.
I don't buy it.

Has anyone on here ever drunk a pint of Tequila?
I know it's a long shot.

I hate people who use long words they don't actually understand the meaning of.
They're such oxymorons.

I was near a zoo when an elephant managed to escape it's enclosure, before the elephant got very far the man started yelling, 'Run! Elephant, Run!'
He was making the elephant run? this i had to see.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

My Dad wanted me to have everything he never had,
So he got me a job.

Dwarfs are no taller than 4ft 10.
That's a little known fact.

I got punched in the face by a mute bloke this afternoon.
I was dumbstruck.