I brought a rocking chair yesterday...
It plays guitar and everything.

Extra Extra
Buy one get one free on gum.

I've just bought a new mouse trap.
It's hilarious watching my family try to use the computer.

My wife made a lovely meal last night.
Although she's starting to repeat on me a bit now.

My wife just bought me a calculator that can only subtract.
It just doesn't add up.

Yesterday the judge sentenced my brother to life behind bars.
Imagine having to serve drinks for the rest of your life.

Never take a dummy from a child.
They may become pacifier-gressive.

I'm currently directing a film in which a man tries to rid a child of an irritating skin condition caused by the devil.
I'm calling it the Eczemacist.

I started a new job this morning and was worried that i was not going to fit in.
At lunchtime one of the guys came up to me, and noticing how nervous i was, offered to take me under his wing.
That's very nice of him, but personally i get a bit freaked out by guys in chicken outfits.

"A man at my work was killed by a pallet falling off the back of a lorry today" i told my friend " it weighed 400kg and landed straight on his head" i said to him
"Gross" he said
"No, net" i replied

I'm giving up E's for Lnt

A rugby player had a stroke, and when he woke up said that he felt no attraction to girls and promptly became a hairdresser. If only the England Rugby Team had a stroke before the World Cup.
They may have woken up as rugby players

I regularly follow any new stuff posted here.
Can't help it, really: I'm stalking the local mail-man.

I got held up on the motor way today because of a syrup spillage.
The only good thing was that it makes a change from the usual jams!

Finally, at long last, my wife's leaving me due to my obsession with Shalamar.
I'm gonna make this a night to remember.

I had a heart stopping moment earlier.
The wife laced my drink with brake fluid.

I've been struggling for weeks to think of a Fishing wordplay joke.
I just need someone to throw me a line.

When I run out of toilet paper I'm quite the handyman.

I'm into Aubergeanealogy - tracing the family history of aubergines.
Fascinatingly, my aubergine can be traced all the way back to 1930's America and the St Valentines Day Moussaka.

What did Batman say to South Africa?
Nice cape.

testing something before you finish it always makes it beta

I turned up at my mates house earlier and said that I needed a place to crash. Fortunately, he agreed.
So I walked off, got in my car, and drove full speed at the front door.

"EU leaders begin crucial summit"
Like me, the BBC know it is important, they just don't know what it is.

What's the difference between TV shows and small girls?
I dont tape TV shows so that they are waiting for me when I get home.

As I tip-toed into the house, trying my hardest not to wake up the wife, I started to realise just how drunk I was.
She's been dead a month.