Im always making bad taste jokes.
Just this morning I made one about marmite.

I knew that insects were considered a delicacy in some countries but I never appreciated it myself until I went to Bangkok and was served a Big Mac and flies.

I recently invented a set of one way stairs.
But they didn't go down so well.

I had to ground the kids today.
It was the only way I could get them in the pepper pot.

there a new musical underwater version of the hunchback of notre dame .
its called ringing in the seine.

I buy all my furniture and bathroom fittings from the local Chinese restaurant.
Today I ordered a suite and shower.

At the Council meeting last night, the Highways Department tried to get them to fit Average Speed Cameras all along the main road.
The Council Leader stood up and said; "We will not fit average speed cameras in this borough. We'll have the best."

Ive poked quite a few of my Facebook friends over the last 6 months, and to those ive poked I'd just like to say... Get yourself down the clinic, just in case

All of my salad and sandwich dressing expires in 2012.
Serves me right for buying Mayannaise.

When me and my wife discovered that the IVF treatment we'd invested all our money into was in fact Chinese IVF, we figured we'd put all our eggs into the wong basket.

We're going to have to buy a new lawn mower.
The old one just doesn't cut it.

I went to the Little Chef for my breakfast.
But he's not selling knock offs since he got the caution.

My wife said, "I think you should book us a wood cottage in the French Alps."
I said, "Chalet?"

I am a highly successful, well-known and respected electrician.
I owe much to my father's advice. "Always stay grounded, son", he used to tell me.

Glaswegian: the only language where a sentence can end in a conjunction but.

Old buildings, castles, and monuments ruin me.

Why hasn't Shabba Ranks got any soap?
Because he missed the lather man

My mate Leroy's favourite group is Take That.

When It comes to politics, I lean to the right wing.
As opposed to the wrong one.

i asked this shy old farmer the best way to flush game out from undergrowth,
I'm not sure, but i think we beat around the bush.

On meeting my cell mate on my first day in prison,i threw him off of the top bunk bed............... He was condescending.

i think this chickens on the turn,
its wearing lipstick.

I much prefer biology to spelling.
Which is why I'm happy the teacher tortoise about turtles today.

My New Zealand girlfriend said that she was falling in love with my rubbish puns, so I asked her to maori me.

My local Chinese takeaway has introduced a new system where you order what you like and the bill is debited from your bank account at regular intervals.
It's called Pay Perpetuate.