My girlfriend wanted me to fist her. I told her no but she wasn't having any of it.
So I had to arm up.

I've never understood the phrase "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".
I'd much rather have two hands in the bush.

Fire exits aren't very popular anymore. They're on the way out.

As a composer of note, I'm bound to go down in history as a very lazy composer.

The sauna room does wonders for myself esteem.

Since losing my index fingers in an industrial accident, my life has had no point.

Sky News: Police question soap star.
So do I. The sky looks dirt black at night.

I made a beautiful woman quiver last night.
Today, however, I was kicked out of the archery club and arrested.

My Grandmother served during the second world war.
She was a waitress.

I was playing footie in the park today and ended up getting a couple of bookings.
The ref said I'll be looking at some form of suspension.
"No problem," I replied, "It could be the shock absorbers. I've got to fit a new clutch for the goalie on Monday. Would Tuesday be OK?"

OWW!! How could I jab several items of cutlery into my leg by accident?! Four forks ache...

I've got a friend that just never shuts up.
His shop is open 24/7.

The trick to Spelling is knowing the difference between write and wrong.

My wife told me she'd had a crush on someone.
Hard not to when you're as fat as she is.

Walked into a bar with a keyboard under my arm and the barman said "We don't like your typing here"

All the helium I bought for my party has gone missing.
I think someone took off with it.

My new site dedicated to hitchikers is doing quite well.
Everyone's given it a thumbs up so far.

My international sword smuggling operation nearly ended after a cop pulled me over and discovered my haul. "You're making a bit of money are you" he said, suggesting a bribe.
So I gave him a cut.

Just read that Mr. Sheen may be going into 5's new celebrity big brother. Well at least he'll keep the house clean

My little six year old can read minds.
Unfortunately she's pretty useless at any other words.

I got a luxury prize for using the correct punctuation mark to denote ownership.
It was a posh trophy.

I saw an unmanned aircraft film itself going around the world and back again.
It was a Palin-drone.

I once met this kinky Welshman, who would only ever sleep with the black sheep of the family.

BBC News reports- European Central Bank to buy Italian and Spanish bonds.
Fine by me, Just as long as It's clear that our James is not for sale.

Saw a video of people doing over a News Agent in London.
They were only following instructions, there was a big poster outside that said Loot.