My mate joined a bondage website and at first he was sent to Mansfield, then Newark and finally Worksop.
I think he's being Thai'd up in Notts.

I can never seem to sleep on the side of the bed.
Gravity doesn't let me.

My wife has been worried about the corn she found on her foot.
Which makes me slightly suspicious about the footprint in my dinner last night.

My wife is leaving me. She says she has had enough of my getting phrases mixed up. I'm as sick as a fiddle chewing a parrot.

After dropping acid with a friend he turned to me and said, "I think I'm having a bad trip. I feel like a rotten apple, do you know what I mean?"
I said, "Nah mate, I feel peachy."

Since winning the lottery,the amount of people I have caught swimming across my moat at my castle to try and come and ask me for money has been unbelievable.
I cant believe the lengths some people will go to.

I was in a fight in town last night and got thrown through Marks and Spencer's front window.
I've never been in so much pane.

What's orange and sticky?
Fantastic.

The guy who owns SpecSavers must be a very busy person,
He's got loads of Contacts...

A market researcher stopped me earlier and asked me what was my favourite condiment.
I said, "I'd never reveal my sauces."

My dad was only interested in right wing views...
Which is why he lost his job as a football manager.

I just attached pieces of curved wood to the bottom of all my chairs.
They rock.

I'm a post graduate.
I finished uni and got a job at the Royal Mail

I was at the local convent yesterday when I accidentally threw the Sister over a fence using 2 pieces of wood and a chain.
It was a Nunchuck.

I was by the balcony with my wife when she said, "I'm scared of heights"
So I let her go.

My wife mixed her 2 favourite drinks - wine & gin.
It seems to have had a permanent effect as she hasn't stopped whinging since.

I tried and failed at making a suitcase earlier. I couldn't handle it.

I chew through packets of bubblegum.

Having a 'writers block' isn't such a bad thing when compiling a book on stonemasonry.

My wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with trees.
I said, 'I just can't live without yew!'

Seems like it's Crimewatch time, favourite part of my night!
Although my wife seems scared of living in Liverpool.

You are under arrest.
He hit himself with it officer, please believe me.
You think this supposed to be some sort of sick backwards joke?
Honestly no officer.
So a black man walked into a bar?

There's a word for people who like to post endless jokes online, hoping they can come up with the best joke of the day and never venture outside of their room. It starts with a 'V' and rhymes with 'Merging.' On a different note, I am currently single and looking, no experience required

MSN News: "Camerons enjoy break in Ibiza."
David Cameron - trying to be 'down with the kids' by giving new meaning to 'The Conservative Party.'

I've developed a machine that slices up members of the band U2.
Its cutting edge.