Great British Menu - "The stakes are higher than ever this series"
I find they tend to cook better after being stored on the lowest shelf in the fridge

I was fired from my job yesterday after a slip of the tongue during a one on one meeting.
It turns out my female boss wasnt coming on to me after all.

My mum always used to read me fairy tales before bedtime.
I never had the heart to tell her they were boring just like the Dettol and Mr Sheen tales.

My very elderly and delirious Grandmother often gets very confused and thinks she's the founder of an upmarket fashion label.
Delusions of Gran Dior.

I sold a car to the Six Million Dollar Man once.
Must have been a bargain.
He almost ripped my arm off.

Just to ram it home to Simon Cowell, I just hope 'The Force' is with Gamu giving her the Christmas number one. It should be ..
She's a little on the dark side.

"What sort of sick joke is this?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you wanted it categorised."

I found being an electrician interesting but the work was shocking

I haven't been feeling well lately.
Doctors say it's normal for a man with no arms.

Latvians litter local landscape
A litter nation

My doctor thinks I'm mentally unstable.
That's crazy.

I swore at someone in French this morning.
After that I punched someone in Maths and smashed a desk up in History.

I was sent home from work in January with extreme flatulance.
Took the wind right out of my sales.

I'm fascinated by social epidemics.....
....though maybe, its just a fad.

BBC NEWS Headline: Town overrun by bins.
What a load of rubbish.

They say honesty is the best policy.
To be honest I don't agree

"I'm at breaking point" my wife said.
"Snap" I replied.

I'd had a big pub lunch, and 4 pints of lager with it. I told the girlfriend I was going for a siesta.
She said "Ooh, I love ice cream. Get me one."

I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier.

Why were two astronauts complaining after coming out of a bar on the moon?
Because there was no atmosphere..

"Hi Mum, I've got somebody else on the line. Can I call you back?"
She knows I work a double shift as a tightrope walker on Fridays.

I've just developed a new knife that allows the user to alter sharpness.
It's cutting edge technology.

An electrician was arrested after a brawl in the pub last night.
He was eventually discharged.

Why couldn't the Captain's girlfriend see?
He came in the Birdseye.

I needed to sit down the other day, so I asked a lady if I could use one of the steps leading to her house.
You should have seen the vacant stare I was offered back.