There was swarm of Wasps down the bottom of the garden earlier, so i decided to kill them all.
The Rugby Union weren't too happy, and I was quickly arrested.

I went to Toys R Us earlier.
You get some unusual characters there!

I tried to watch the football at the pub last night, but it was ruined by the flaming kids.
Fire in the ball pit apparently.

I was at the race track earlier and a pair of joggers ran past me.
I was amazed at how smart trousers are getting these days.

I'm going to a football riot later.
It kicks off at 3.

Roads were congested around major cities as millions of office workers mistakenly travelled in on Bank Holiday Monday.
Experts blame a commuter error.

I can never be bothered giving most people the time of day.
Consequently,Ive now lost my job as the speaking clock.

Although people say 'you've got to be cruel to be kind,' I don't think my son will ever fully appreciate my cutting off his leg so he can be front of the queue when they're scouting for the paralympics

I've tweeted all the people with super-injunctions.
My pwactice is on Harley Stweet.

Poker? I hardly know her.

My bucket isn't feeling very well. He looks a bit pale.

I have to admit I believed it would be judgement day today. Turns out it will be next Thursday in front of a jury due to my actions today.of the past few hours.

I've just paid 50 for a coat, and there's nothing to put my keys in.
I feel so out of pocket.

So, Harold Camping predicted the world would end yesterday. Not to rub it in Harold, but what am I doing now?

My girlfriend got annoyed at me today when I took my pint from the front room and left a ring on the table...
I happened to think it was quite a nice way to propose.

I went to the African takeaway the other day.
Ordered my food Togo.

I put the 'i' in egotism.

My mate doubts me taking food to restaurant tables will cure my blindness.
Wait and see!

I saw a ginger looking really good throwing some shapes around tonight...
I was really impressed, I always struggled with Tetris.

I once went out with a woman who worked in a seafood restaurant. Nice girl but awfully clammy hands.

'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a big birthday cake.'
'I'm afraid you'll have to be sectioned.'

My ex left me because of my obsession with star wars. But I have met a new girl who loves it as much as I do.
I have a new hope.

Just been fired from my job at a Spanish restaurant for poisoning the customers with my version of paella.
I always thought you had to put ricin.

MSN News: "Camerons enjoy break in Ibiza."
David Cameron - trying to be 'down with the kids' by giving new meaning to 'The Conservative Party.'

I've developed a machine that slices up members of the band U2.
Its cutting edge.